Forgiveness Is Giving Up All Hope of a Better Past

Anne Lamott? Don Felt? John A. MacDougall? Gerald G. Jampolsky? Gina Berriault? Dorothy Bullitt? Lily Tomlin? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: It is not possible to change the past. Yet, enduring grievances are often emotionally rooted in an irrational hope that somehow past actions can be altered, and a disheartening event can be excised. Here is a popular adage based on this insight:

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

The author Anne Lamott has received credit for this saying. Would you please examine its provenance?

Quote Investigator: Anne Lamott did include an instance in her 1993 book “Operating Instructions”; hence, she helped to popularize the saying; however, she disclaimed credit.

The earliest published match located by QI occurred in a speech reported in “The Los Angeles Times” in 1991. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:^[1] 1991 December 2, The Los Angeles Times, Perspectives on Pearl Harbor: Apologies Across the Pacific by Brien Hallett, Quote Page B11, Column 4, Los Angeles, California. (Newspapers_com)

As the Rev. Don Felt, pastor of the Iao Congregational Church, Maui, explained to those attending an interfaith memorial service on Nagasaki Day, Aug. 9, this year, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.”

QI does not know whether Don Felt coined this saying. The expression has been credited to others, and it also has been associated with twelve-step programs. This article presents a snapshot of current research.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

In 1993 Anne Lamott published “Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year”. Lamott used the expression, but stated that she heard it from someone else:^[2] 1993, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year by Anne Lamott, Date: May 12, Quote Page 210,Pantheon Books, New York. (Verified with scans)

Somehow, somewhere along the line, Pammy forgave her parents. I heard someone say once that forgiveness is having given up all hope of having had a better past. And this is why Pammy is so powerful.

Lamott’s book contained a series of passages each of which was labeled with a date. The passage containing the saying was dated May 12. The year was 1990. If Lamott wrote the text at that time then it would antedate the remark by Don Felt. But QI does not know whether the text was revised before its 1993 publication.

Also, in 1993 a variant concerning self-forgiveness appeared in “Spirituality in Recovery: A 12 Step Approach” by John A. Ishee and Paul Barton Doyle:^[3]1993, Spirituality in Recovery: A 12 Step Approach by John A. Ishee and Paul Barton Doyle, Chapter 4: From Grandiosity to Humility, Quote Page 44, New Directions, Brentwood, Tennessee. (Verified … Continue reading

Forgiving yourself means giving up hope for a better past.
— John A. MacDougall

In 1995 the psychiatrist and bestselling author Gerald G. Jampolsky was given credit by Corinne Edwards in the book “Love Waits on Welcome”:^[4]1995, Love Waits on Welcome …And Other Miracles by Corinne Edwards, Quote Page 85, Steven J. Nash Publishing, Highland Park, Illinois. (Verified visually; thanks to Broward County Library, … Continue reading

Jerry Jampolsky, author of Love Is Letting Go Of Fear, says that “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.”

Jampolsky does discuss forgiveness extensively in his many books, but he did not coin the saying. The book mentioned in the excerpt above does not contain the saying.

In 1996 Gerald G. Jampolsky co-authored a book with Lee L. Jampolsky titled “Listen To Me: A Book for Women and Men About Father-Son Relationships”. The following version of the adage was included, but the attribution was anonymous. Thus, Jampolsky disclaimed credit:^[5]1996 Copyright, Listen To Me: A Book for Women and Men About Father-Son Relationships by Gerald G. Jampolsky and Lee L. Jampolsky, Quote Page 193, Celestial Arts, Berkeley, California. (Verified … Continue reading

Forgiveness means giving up all thoughts for a better past.
Anonymous

An instance occurred in the short story “Soul and Money” by Gina Berriault which appeared in the 1996 collection titled “Women in Their Beds”. QI does not know the original publication date of the story:^[6]1997 (1996 Copyright), Women in Their Beds: New and Selected Stories by Gina Berriault, Short Story: Soul and Money, Start Page 42, Quote Page 47 and 48, Counterpoint, Washington, D.C., Distributed … Continue reading

“If you’re having trouble sleeping,” his brother said, rising up from his recliner, “I’ll tell you how to fall asleep. What you do is forgive yourself. Francie tells her patients this thing she thought up. She tells them, Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. It stumps them for a minute and then they laugh and then they fall asleep.”

The 1996 book “Filling the Void: Six Steps from Loss to Fulfillment” by Dorothy Bullitt included the saying, but the author disclaimed credit:^[7]1996, Filling the Void: Six Steps from Loss to Fulfillment by Dorothy Bullitt, Chapter 4: Looking Inward, Quote Page 63, Rawson Associates: Scribner: Simon & Schuster, New York. (Verified with … Continue reading

Because as the saying goes, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.”

In 1997 the ABC television network published a memoir of the fictional character Erica Kane of the soap opera “All My Children” which included this entertaining passage:^[8]1997, Having It All by Erica Kane (ABC Daytime Press) (Erica Kane is a fictional character in the U.S. soap opera “All My Children” of the ABC television network), Quote Page 101, … Continue reading

A favorite slogan at the Betty Ford Center is “Forgiveness is giving up on the idea that the past could have had different results.” It’s so true! Once you stop blaming others for messing up your life, you can forgive them, and get on with the important business of Having It ALL!

Also in 1997 a message posted to the Usenet newsgroup alt.recovery.aa contained a variant expression:^[9]1997 December 14, Usenet discussion message, Newsgroup: alt.recovery.aa, From: “MartyB” @ma.ultranet.com, Subject: Re: “Recovered” AA members. (Google Groups Search; Accessed … Continue reading

One of the things that AA has given me was an ability to “abandon all hope for a better past.” I was finally able to start seeing things as they were instead of what I had wanted them to be.

In 1999 Anne Lamott published a chapter titled “Mom” within the collection of essays “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith”. Lamott noted that she did not know who was responsible for the saying:^[10] 1999, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott, Large Print Edition, Essay: Mom, Start Page 173, Quote Page 280, Thorndike Press, Thorndike, Maine. (Verified with scans)

Who was it who said that forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past?

Also in 1999 “Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All” by Gerald G. Jampolsky included an instance without attribution:^[11] 1999, Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All by Gerald G. Jampolsky M.D., Chapter 2: What Is Forgiveness? Quote Page 21, Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon. (Verified with scans)

Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past.

A self-help book with a 2007 copyright titled “Live Your Dreams: Let Reality Catch Up” by Roger Ellerton ascribed the statement to actress and comedian Lily Tomlin:^[12] 2010 (2007 Copyright), Live Your Dreams: Let Reality Catch Up: 5 Step Action Plan by Roger Ellerton, Quote Page 27, Published by Renewal Technologies. (Google Books Preview)

Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past. – Lily Tomlin

In conclusion, Anne Lamott wrote the saying in a journal entry dated May 12, 1990, but she disclaimed credit. In 1991 “The Los Angeles Times” reported that Reverend Don Felt used the expression. QI does not know who deserves credit for coinage. Gerald G. Jampolsky and Dorothy Bullitt have also used the saying without claiming credit.

(Great thanks to Benjamin Dreyer, Mark Nazimova, and Joe McCarthy whose inquiries led QI to formulate this question and perform this exploration. McCarthy pointed to the instance in “Traveling Mercies”. Also, thanks to Chuck Allen who told QI about the instance in “Operating Instructions”.)

Update History: On May 30, 2022 the 1993 citation for “Operating Instructions” was added to the article. The conclusion was also revised.