Anne Lamott? Robin Norwood? Linda Ann Loschiavo? Brené Brown? Pamela Meyer? Anonymous?
Question for Quote Investigator: The urge to help others usually indicates a generous and loving spirit, but sometimes this urge disguises a desire for power and domination. The following saying highlights this hidden motivation:
Help is the sunny side of control.
This saying has been attributed to writer Anne Lamott, family therapist Robin Norwood, social work expert Brené Brown, and others. Would you please explore the provenance of this remark?
Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match found by QI appeared within a 1984 article about alcoholism and codependency published in the “Santa Barbara News-Press” of California. The article quoted marriage and family therapist Robin Norwood who employed the saying; however, an unnamed friend received credit for the saying. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1
Control comes to the addicted person disguised as help. Ms. Norwood agrees with a friend, who told her, “Help is the sunny side of control.”
Here is an overview presenting dates, attributions, and variant phrasings:
1984 Feb: Help is the sunny side of control. (Attributed to unnamed friend by Robin Norwood)
1985: Help is the sunny side of control. (Message on a sign by an unknown creator as described by Robin Norwood in her book “Women Who Love Too Much”)
1987 Jan: Caring is the sunny side of control. (Linda Ann Loschiavo)
2000: Helpfulness is just the bright side of control. (Pamela Meyer)
2012 Apr: Help is the sunny side of control. (Anne Lamott in “Redbook” magazine)
2017 Apr: Help is the sunny side of control. (Anne Lamott in a TED Talk)
2019: Help is the sunny side of control. (Attributed to Anne Lamott by Catherine O’Kane)
Below are details for selected citations in chronological order.
The distinctive phrase “sunny side of control” appeared decades earlier in 1908 within “The Evening Mail” newspaper of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. The phrase was used when describing the goals of corrupt political operatives:2
They are far more interested in gerrymanders and voting lists, by which the group in power can remain there, or the group out in the cold shades of opposition can get over on the sunny side of control where they can feast at the public corncribs and get rich at the expense of the toiling, sweating masses.
In 1984 Robin Norwood used the saying under examination with an anonymous attribution as mentioned previously.
In 1985 Robin Norwood published the bestselling self-help book “Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change”. Norwood mentioned a colorful sign containing the saying, but Norwood did not identify the maker of the sign. In the following excerpt, the word “succinctly” was misspelled as “succintly”:3
It is not easy or comfortable for us to consider that selfless behavior, “being good,” and efforts to help may actually be attempts to control, and not be altruistically motivated. I saw this dynamic simply and succintly represented by the sign on an office door in an agency where I once worked.
Shown was a two-tone circle, the top half of which was a bright yellow rising sun and the bottom half of which was painted black. The sign read Help Is the Sunny Side of Control. It served to remind us counselors as well as our clients to constantly examine the motives behind our need to change others.
In 1987 journalist Linda Ann Loschiavo published a piece for the News America Syndicate which included a variant of the saying which used the word “caring”:4
The latest human-relations research, however, indicates that caring is the sunny side of control. You may think you’re being a martyr, but your mate may see you as manipulative: an emotional dominatrix who insists on her own way and smothers others in the process.
In 2000 Pamela Meyer published “Quantum Creativity: Nine Principles to Transform the Way You Work”. Meyer employed a variant using the word “helpfulness”:5
Helpfulness is just the bright side of control. It looks so good from the outside, but what lurks within is the same old pile of smelly laundry — your agenda, your idea of the right way, your plan. Better go run a load; there’s no room for creativity in that.
I can already hear the wheels in your mechanically trained mind turning: “What are you saying? Don’t be helpful? What about kindness and compassion? We need more of that in the world, not less!” I couldn’t agree with you more, and I am not suggesting that you become the opposite of helpful … I am asking you to look at your motivation, your relationship to the outcome.
In 2012 Anne Lamott published an article in “Redbook” magazine titled “You can’t life-proof your kid”. Lamott wrote about her conflicted desire to assist her son:6
While I am much better with a mere 22 years of recovery under my belt, I still get Good Ideas, tiny suggestions as to how he might proceed with college, work, girlfriends, his health, and interior design. I do this knowing that my help is usually unhelpful, and that help is the sunny side of control. The only miracle is that I don’t share my Good Ideas quite as often. I catch myself, kindly. Most of the time.
In 2017 Anne Lamott delivered a TED Talk titled “12 truths I learned from life and writing” which included the following remarks:7
Our help is usually not very helpful. Our help is often toxic. And help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don’t get your help and goodness all over everybody.
In 2018 Anne Lamott published the book “Almost Everything: Notes on Hope” which contained the following passage about raising children:8
Your good ideas for them would certainly straighten them out and help them make healthier choices. These would help you enjoy life more, too, so what’s the harm in your little suggestions, demands, funding?
The harm is in the unwanted help or helping them when they need to figure things out for themselves. Help is the sunny side of control.
In 2019 the collection “WOW Woman of Worth” included a chapter titled “Overfunctioning” by Catherine O’Kane which used the following quotation as an epigraph:9
“Help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don’t get your help and goodness all over everybody.”
Anne Lamott, from her 2017 TED Talk
“12 truths I learned from life and writing”
In 2021 Brené Brown published “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” which attributed the saying to Lamott:10
I once heard Anne Lamott say, “Help is the sunny side of control.” Yes and yikes. All of us who were raised taking care of other people and trying to manage environments can default to wanting to control the path, regardless of our great intentions. Especially when “it’s in everyone’s best interest.” The question is always, Whose best interest are you protecting?
In conclusion, in February 1984 Robin Norwood employed the saying, but she credited an unnamed friend. In 1985 Robin Norwood stated that the saying appeared on a sign with an unnamed creator. Thus, the originator of this saying remains anonymous. Anne Lamott was an influential popularizer of the expression.
Image Notes: Public domain illustration of a marionette.
Acknowledgement: Great thanks to Natalie Banks whose inquiry led QI to formulate this question and perform this exploration.
- 1984 February 5, Santa Barbara News-Press, Co-alcoholic addicted to controlling by Mariam Brillantes (News-Press Staff Writer), Quote Page E2, Column 2, Santa Barbara, California. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 1908 June 11, The Evening Mail, Observations, Quote Page 2, Column 4, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 1985 Copyright, Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change by Robin Norwood, Chapter 7: Beauty and the Beast, Quote Page 130, Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc. Los Angeles, California. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 1987 January 27, San Francisco Chronicle, You’re a Goddess of Goodness? That’s Bad by Linda Ann Loschiavo (News America Syndicate), Quote Page 19, Column 4, San Francisco, California. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 2000 Copyright, Quantum Creativity: Nine Principles to Transform the Way You Work by Pamela Meyer, Principle 5: Trust the Process, Quote Page 94, Contemporary Books: A Division of Contemporary Publishing Group, Chicago, Illinois. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 2012 April, Redbook, Stuff My Kids Taught Me: You can’t life-proof your kid by Anne Lamott, Start Page 111, Quote Page 112, Column 2, Hearst Communications Inc., New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- Website: TED Talk (TED2017), Talk title: 12 truths I learned from life and writing, Article author: Anne Lamott, Date of TED Talk on website: April 2017, Time location: 4 minutes 4 seconds of 15 minutes 44 seconds, Website description: “TED is a non-profit that believes powerful ideas, powerfully presented, move us: to feel something, to think differently, to take action”. (Accessed ted.com on June 21, 2026) link ↩︎
- 2018, Almost Everything: Notes on Hope by Anne Lamott, Chapter 2: Inside Job, Quote Page 45, Riverhead Books, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 2019, WOW Woman of Worth: Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health Matters, Compiled by Christine Awram, Chapter 6: Overfunctioning by Catherine O’Kane (Chapter epigraph), Quote Page 71, Published by Inspire Higher Consulting Inc. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 2021, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brené Brown PhD, Section: Cultivating Meaningful Connection, Quote Page 262, Random House: An imprint of Penguin Random House, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎