Mark Twain? James Ross Clemens? Lowell Gleason? Roger Durrett? Apocryphal? Anonymous?
Question for Quote Investigator: Mark Twain enjoyed smoking cigars. The following three closely related quips have been attributed to the famed humorist:
(1) If I cannot smoke in heaven, I shall not go there.
(2) If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.
(3) If there is smoking in heaven, I want to go there.
I have not been able to find a solid citation. Would you please explore whether Twain employed any of these remarks?
Reply from Quote Investigator: Mark Twain died in 1910. In 1929 James Ross Clemens who was Twain’s cousin published “Some Reminiscences of Mark Twain” in the “Overland Monthly” of San Francisco, California. The following passage discussed Twain’s writing habits and credited him with an instance of the quip. Boldface added to excepts by QI:1
When bedtime overtook him at his desk working on a story he would leave the last sentence unfinished so as to preserve the continuity of thought when work was begun again the following morning. Three thousand words he considered a full day’s work.
His favorite nightmare he declared was being forbidden by his doctor to smoke. Dr. Sam Johnson used to say that he could not visualize the state of being dead because he could not imagine himself in a state where he would not receive letters and Mark was in much the same frame of mind as regards cigars. “If there is smoking in Heaven I want to go there,” he would fervidly exclaim.
Thus, there is substantive evidence that Mark Twain used the third expression listed above, but QI has not yet found substantive evidence that Twain used the first or second expressions. On the other hand, all three statements are semantically similar; hence, it is possible that he used more than one.
Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.
In 1895 the “Temple Bar” periodical of London printed a piece which credited an unnamed religious figure with a statement about dogs which fit the template of the first two expressions above:2
… the saying with which an old Northumbrian vicar used to startle the orthodox of his flock, “If dogs are not allowed in Heaven, I really should hardly care to go there.”
In 1896 “The Chicago Daily Tribune” published a thematically related joke, but the punchline was different:3
“Uncle Allen, do you think there will be any pipes or cigars in heaven?”
“I think it very doubtful, my boy. It would seem more natural to go to the other place if you wanted to smoke.”
In 1935 Albert Bigelow Paine who was Twain’s literary executor published “Mark Twain’s Notebook” which included observations, ideas, and diary-like material from Twain’s collection of notebooks. The following two items were written circa 1898. The second item fit the template, but it was about swearing instead of smoking:4
Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed.
If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there.
In 1909 the humorist Oliver Herford published a poem about Mark Twain in which St. Peter at the entrance to heaven removed the “No Smoking” sign to allow Twain to enter. The final verse of the poem was the following:5
For Mark there waits a brighter crown!
When Peter comes his card to read—
He’ll take the sign “No Smoking” down,
Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed.
In 1929 the “Overland Monthly” printed an article by Twain’s cousin James Ross Clemens which credited Twain with the following remark as mentioned previously:6
“If there is smoking in Heaven I want to go there.”
In 1935 Cyril Clemens edited and published “Mark Twain: Wit and Wisdom” which contained the following item:7
As everybody knows, Mark Twain was a great smoker. On one occasion he said:
“Do you know, Dr. Jim, that my favorite nightmare is being forbidden by the doctor to smoke. Dr. Johnson used to say that he could not imagine himself in a state where he could not receive letters and I am much in the same frame of mind as regards cigars. If there is smoking in Heaven I want to go there!”
In 1960 a student publication of the University of Toronto in Canada called “The Varsity” published a piece by an unnamed author about smoking which contained a matching statement:8
Clearly, we addicts art often forced to take the defensive. My answer to my critics is therefore weak and defensive: “It’s my vice and I love it. All it proves is that I’m as neurotic as you, and possibly more so. And if, when I got to the Pearly Gates, I were told that there was No Smoking in Heaven, I think I would choose to go to Hell.”
In 1977 a California newspaper printed a review of a one-person show in which actor Lowell Gleason performed as Mark Twain. The show credited Twain with a version of the quip:9
… Twain couldn’t resist presenting the dark side of life with a light turn of phrase: “If I can’t swear and smoke in Heaven, I won’t stay there long.”
In 1985 a newspaper in North Caolina published a profile of actor Roger Durrett who specialized in depicting Twain. Durrett credited Twain with a version of the quip:10
“As Twain said, ‘If I cannot smoke in Heaven, I shall not go,’” said Durrett, lapsing briefly into the author’s amiable wheeze. “Cigars are an important part of the show, and I use them as a timing device.”
In 1989 the “Los Angeles Times” of California printed an article which attributed an instance of the saying to Twain:11
Smoke gets in your eyes: Mark Twain summed up lovers of the leaf when he said: “If I cannot smoke cigars in heaven, I shall not go.”
In 2021 the novel “Murder at the Bailey” by Henry Milner contained a variant of the quip which mentioned bourbon:12
… so you’ve got a clever remark ready for every situation and can feed a few to us brain-dead morons, like “casting pearls to swine” and “if they haven’t got cigars and bourbon in heaven, I ain’t going”.
In conclusion, there is substantive evidence that Mark Twain said “If there is smoking in heaven I want to go there” based on the testimony of James Ross Clemens published in 1929. The other statements currently do not have direct support. Yet, they are possible based on similarity. Also, the statement “If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there” fit the same template and appeared in one of Twain’s notebooks.
Image Notes: Picture of a box of cigars from Nejc Soklič at Unsplash. The image has been cropped and resized.
Acknowledgement: Thanks to Kevin Mac Donnell of Mac Donnell Rare Books in Austin, Texas who told QI about the important citation in the “Overland Monthly”. This led QI to formulate this question and perform this exploration.
- 1929 April, Overland Monthly, Volume 87, Number 4, Some Reminiscences of Mark Twain by J. R. Clemens (James Ross Clemens; Cousin of Mark Twain), Start Page 105, Quote Page 125, San Francisco, California. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1895 April, Temple Bar, “Madame”, Start Page 494, Quote Page 504, Richard Bentley & Son, London, England. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1896 June 25, The Chicago Daily Tribune, In a Minor Key, Quote Page 6, Column 7, Chicago, Illinois. (ProQuest) ↩︎
- 1935, Mark Twain’s Notebook by Mark Twain, Edited by Albert Bigelow Paine, Chapter 31: In Vienna, Quote Page 344 and 345, Harper & Brothers, New York. (Verified on paper) ↩︎
- 1909 January 3, The Kansas City Star, Mark Twain (Poem) by Oliver Herford (Acknowledgement to Collier’s magazine), Quote Page 5C, Column 3, Kansas City, Missouri. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
- 1929 April, Overland Monthly, Volume 87, Number 4, Some Reminiscences of Mark Twain by J. R. Clemens (James Ross Clemens; Cousin of Mark Twain), Start Page 105, Quote Page 125, San Francisco, California. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1935, Mark Twain: Wit and Wisdom, Edited by Cyril Clemens, Quote Page 68 and 69, Frederick A. Stokes Company, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 1960 December 9, The Varsity, Volume 80, Number 41, A Dissertation On the F-ag Habit, Quote Page 4, Published by the Student’s Administrative Council of the University of Toronto, Toronto, Canada. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 1977 September 28, The San Bernardino County Sun, What’s Mark Twain doing in a nice place like this? by Rosemary Hite (Sun-Telegram Staff Writer), Quote Page C1, Column 3, San Bernardino, California. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
- 1985 March 15, The Charlotte Observer, Mark Twain: Roger Durrett Makes A Career Out Of Being Cantankerous by Lawrence Toppman (Staff Writer), Section: Extra, Quote Page 1D, Column 4, Charlotte, North Carolina. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 1989 April 7, Los Angeles Times, County’s Movers and Shakers Head to L.A. to Stir Things Up by Ann Conway, Section: Life, Quote Page 3, Column 2, Los Angeles, California. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
- 2021, Murder at the Bailey by Henry Milner, Chapter 52: When Drink Goes in…, Quote Page 281, Biteback Publishing, London, England. (Verified with scans) ↩︎