Mark Twain? Punch magazine? James T. Fields? William P. Clyde? Walt Mason? Anonymous?
Question for Quote Investigator: Apparently, an effusive admirer of Mark Twain once proclaimed that the famous humorist deserved membership in the pantheon of major writers. Twain’s comical response highlighted his mortality:
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself.
I do not think Mark Twain originated this joke template. A family of similar jokes appeared before Twain received credit. Would you please explore this topic?
Reply from Quote Investigator: There is substantive evidence that Mark Twain employed this type of quip during the 1890s; however, the first recorded instances in this family occurred in the 1870s, and Twain did not receive credit. Here is an overview showing selected examples together with dates and attributions:
1874 Feb 18: Our greatest men are fast departing—first Calhoun, then Clay, and now Webster—and I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed to an unnamed rural politician)
1874 May 14: Our great men are fast departing—first Greeley, then Chase, and now Sumner—and I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed to an unnamed member of a Boston school committee)
1874 Jun 17: Our great men are fast departing. First Stanton, then Chase, then Seward, and now Sumner—and I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed to an unnamed member of a New York literary club)
1883 Mar 10: It is very sad, indeed, to think on the number of the world’s greatest men who have lately been called to their last account. And the fact is I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed to an unnamed Scotchman)
1884 May 10: The great men are all dead. Washington is dead; Jefferson is dead, and so are Jackson and Clay and Webster, all gone, and—ahem! I don’t feel well myself. (Attributed to an unnamed member of a town council)
1886 Aug 14: POOR McSTAGGER DEID! Er’s VERA SAD TO THENK O’ THE GREAT NUMBER O’ DESTENGWESHED MEN THAT’S LATELY BEEN TA’EN! ’DEED—I NO FEEL VERA WEEL—MYSEL! (Ascribed to the character Kirk Elder)
1892 Feb 27: Homer is dead; Virgil is dead; Shakespeare is dead; and I am not very well. (Attributed by Clare Read to Mark Twain)
1893 May 6: NEARLY ALL OUR BEST MEN ARE DEAD! CARLYLE, TENNYSON, BROWNING, GEORGE ELIOT! — I’M NOT FEELING VERY WELL MYSELF! (Ascribed to the character Little Simpkins)
1894: Homer is dead, Shakespeare and Milton are no more, and I—I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed by Alfred H. Miles to Mark Twain)
1898: Hawthorne’s dead, Longfellow is dead, Lowell is in wretched health, and I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed by Chauncey Depew to James T. Fields)
1899 Jun 9: Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself. (Attributed to Mark Twain)
1900 Jul 1: All the great men are dead, and I don’t feel very well myself. (Attributed to Mark Twain)
1907 Jan 30: I regret particularly that great orators are no longer available. Demosthenes is dead, Cicero is dead, and I am not feeling very well myself. (William P. Clyde)
1922 Jan 24: The Pope is dead; and Viscount Bryce is dead, and I’m not feeling very darn good myself. (Attributed to Dan Worden)
1923 Mar 17: Ah me, those grand old times are sped, and all the saints but me are dead, and I am far from well. (Walt Mason)
1935: Julius Caesar is dead, Shakespeare is dead, Napoleon is dead, Abraham Lincoln is dead, and I am far from well myself. (Attributed by Cyril Clemens to Mark Twain in the period of 1866)
1963 Apr 17: Shakespeare is dead and gone. Milton has been gathered unto his fathers. Tennyson is no longer with us, and, ladies and gentlemen, I am not feeling very well myself. (Attributed to Mark Twain)
Below are details for selected citations in chronological order.
On February 18, 1874, the “Kansas State Record” newspaper of Topeka, Kansas printed a filler item containing an instance of the joke. The line was credited to an unidentified rural politician; hence, the creator remains anonymous:1
“And so they go,” said a rural politician some years ago, who had represented his ward in the town council; “our greatest men are fast departing—first Calhoun, then Clay, and now Webster—and I don’t feel very well myself.”
This filler appeared in other newspapers such as “Neosho Valley Register” of Iola, Kansas on March 1, 1874.2
On May 14, 1874, “The Cultivator & Country Gentleman” of New York published an instance with a different set of three famous people which was set in Boston, Massachusetts:3
“And so they go,” said a member of a Boston school committee; “our great men are fast departing—first Greeley, then Chase, and now Sumner—and I don’t feel very well myself.”
On June 17, 1874, an instance appeared in “Bow Bells: A Weekly Magazine of General Literature and Art” of London:4
“And so they go,” said a member of a New York literary club; “our great men are fast departing. First Stanton, then Chase, then Seward, and now Sumner—and I don’t feel very well myself.”
On March 10, 1883, an instance which did not list any specific individuals appeared in the periodical “Tit-Bits” of London:5
“It is very sad,” said a Scotchman, “it is very sad, indeed, to think on the number of the world’s greatest men who have lately been called to their last account. And the fact is,” added he, with unction, “I don’t feel very well myself.”
On May 10, 1884, the quip appeared in the magazine “Golden Days for Boys and Girls” of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:6
A member of a town council was lamenting that public men are so much inferior now to what they were fifty or a hundred years ago.
“The great men,” he exclaimed, “are all dead. Washington is dead; Jefferson is dead, and so are Jackson and Clay and Webster, all gone, and—ahem! I don’t feel well myself.”
On August 14, 1886, the humor magazine “Punch or The London Charivari” published a one-panel comic depicting a character named Kirk Elder. The caption was written with nonstandard spelling to represent informal speech. The text below is accompanied by a rendering using standard spelling:7
Kirk Elder (after a look at his Morning Paper). “POOR McSTAGGER DEID! Er’s VERA SAD TO THENK O’ THE GREAT NUMBER O’ DESTENGWESHED MEN THAT’S LATELY BEEN TA’EN! ’DEED—I NO FEEL VERA WEEL—MYSEL!”
“Poor McStagger died! It’s very sad to think of the great number of distinguished men that have lately been taken! Indeed—I do not feel very well—myself!”
On February 27, 1892, “The Norfolk Chronicle” of Norfolk, England printed the following passage about a speech delivered by politician Clare Sewell Read. This was the earliest citation found by QI which attributed the joke to Twain:8
Mr. Clare Read, on rising to respond, was loudly cheered. He said—Mr. chairman and gentlemen: It is reported that Mark Twain the other day began a speech this way: “Homer is dead; Virgil is dead; Shakespeare is dead; and I am not very well.” (Laughter.) After this he made a long and humorous speech.
On May 6, 1893, the humor magazine “Punch or The London Charivari” published a one-panel comic depicting a character named Little Simpkins talking to another character. The caption contained a version of the joke:9
Little Simpkins. “NEARLY ALL OUR BEST MEN ARE DEAD! CARLYLE, TENNYSON, BROWNING, GEORGE ELIOT! — I’M NOT FEELING VERY WELL MYSELF!”
In 1894 the collection “One Thousand and One Anecdotes” compiled by Alfred H. Miles included the following entry:10
There is a good story told of Mark Twain, whose after-dinner speeches are unique, that his name was on a certain occasion associated with the toast of literature by an orator who referred with great eloquence to Homer, Shakespeare, Milton—and Mark Twain. In response the American humourist is said to have thanked the orator for his kindly references to himself and to have excused himself from making a longer speech by saying: “Homer is dead, Shakespeare and Milton are no more, and I—I don’t feel very well myself.”
In 1898 the book “Best Things by Chauncy M. Depew: Wit, Humor, Eloquence and Wisdom” appeared. The book stated that Depew credited the prominent Boston publisher James T. Fields with an instance of the quip:11
Where are our great literary men of the future? Where are our great names that are to take the place of those who are passing? Hawthorne’s dead, Longfellow is dead, Lowell is in wretched health, and I don’t feel very well myself.
On June 9, 1899, Mark Twain visited the Savage Club in London on condition that no speech was expected from him, but with sufficient prodding Twain capitulated, and he did deliver a short address which was printed in the 1910 collection “Mark Twain’s Speeches”. Twain’s speech included an instance of the joke. Oddly, Twain received credit for a similar version of the joke in 1892:12
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself.
On July 1, 1900 “The Musical Herald” of London printed a short version of the joke attributed to Twain:13
“All the great men are dead, and I don’t feel very well myself,” says Mark Twain. We all get into a desponding mood sometimes.
On January 30, 1907, the “Yale Alumni Weekly” printed a piece about a speech by William P. Clyde which included an instance:14
After what the Toastmaster has said, I regret particularly that great orators are no longer available. Demosthenes is dead, Cicero is dead, and I am not feeling very well myself.
On January 24, 1922, “The Saskatoon Phoenix” of Saskatchewan, Canada published the following instance:15
“The Pope is dead; and Viscount Bryce is dead,” said Dan Worden, sadly, “and I’m not feeling very darn good myself.”
On March 17, 1923, the New York humor magazine “Judge” printed an article by popular columnist Walt Mason which contained an instance:16
Ah me, those grand old times are sped, and all the saints but me are dead, and I am far from well; and when I’m gone will virtue croak? Will every precept be a joke? Will merit know its knell?
In 1935 Cyril Clemens, a distant cousin of Twain, published “Mark Twain: Wit and Wisdom” which contained an anecdote about Twain set during the 1860s. Twain visited the Hawaiian Islands in 1866, and the book stated that when he returned his friends encouraged him to deliver a lecture about his experiences. To ensure the success of the lecture Twain’s friends promised to place hearty laughers at strategic points among the audience:17
When he came out on the platform his knees were shaking so violently that his backers thought he wouldn’t last long enough for the hearty laughers to get into action. But Clemens needed no support, for he won the day by his inimitable opening, “Julius Caesar is dead, Shakespeare is dead, Napoleon is dead, Abraham Lincoln is dead, and I am far from well myself.” When the lecture was over, the audience had been laughing so much they were too weak to leave their seats!
QI has not yet found any contemporary published evidence circa 1866 supporting this anecdote. The long delay between 1866 and 1935 reduces the credibility of this tale.
On April 17, 1963, “The East Yolo Record” of West Sacramento, California printed the following instance of the quip:18
Mark Twain was once called upon to respond to the toast, “Literature.”
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began in his unforgettable drawl, “I am sorry to say that Literature is in a pretty bad way. Shakespeare is dead and gone. Milton has been gathered unto his fathers. Tennyson is no longer with us, and, ladies and gentlemen, I am not feeling very well myself.” With that, he sat down.
In conclusion, the earliest member of this family of quips found by QI appeared in February 1874, and the creator was anonymous. Many variants proliferated during subsequent decades. The first published attribution to Mark Twain occurred in February 1892. Thus, it is unlikely that Twain originated this humorous family of remarks.
Image Notes: One panel comic published in “Punch” humor magazine on May 6, 1893.
Acknowledgement: Great thanks to linguist Jesse Sheidlower who inquired about the thematically related adage: “The only good author is a dead author”. While researching this adage QI encountered the quip about dead and dying authors which is explored in this article.
- 1874 February 18, Kansas State Record, (Filler item), Quote Page 1, Column 8, Topeka, Kansas. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 1874 March 14, Neosho Valley Register, (Filler item), Quote Page 4, Column 5, Iola, Kansas. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 1874 May 14, The Cultivator & Country Gentleman, Leisure Moments, Quote Page 315, Column 4, Luther Tucker & Son, Albany, New York. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1874 June 17, Bow Bells: A Weekly Magazine of General Literature and Art, Volume 20, Number 516, Sayings and Doings: Witty and Humorous, Quote Page 527, Column 1, John Dicks, London. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1883 March 10, Tit-Bits, Volume 3, Number 73, Conducted by George Newnes, (Filler item), Quote Page 327, Column 2, London, England. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1884 May 10, Golden Days for Boys and Girls, Volume 5, Number 23, A Budget of Fun, Quote Page 368, Column 2, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1886 August 14, Punch or The London Charivari, (Caption of one-panel comic), Quote Page 82, Published at the Office of Punch, London. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1892 February 27, The Norfolk Chronicle, The King’s Arms Market Tea: Speeches by Mr. Gurdon, M.P, and Mr. C. S. Read, Quote Page 4, Column 5, Norfolk, England. (British Newspaper Archive) ↩︎
- 1893 May 6, Punch or The London Charivari, (Caption of one-panel comic), Quote Page 210, Published at the Office of Punch, London. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1894 (Year not specified within the book. Year based on WorldCat entry), One Thousand and One Anecdotes, Edited by Alfred H. Miles, Chapter: Anecdotes of the Dinner Table, Quote Page 272 Hutchinson & Company, London. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1898 Copyright, Best Things by Chauncy M. Depew: Wit, Humor, Eloquence and Wisdom, Edited by John W. Leonard, Chapter: Stories About Depew, Told by Nellie Bly, Quote Page 30, A. N. Marquis & Company, Chicago, Illinois. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1910, Mark Twain’s Speeches by Mark Twain, Speech Title: Statistics, Start Page 277, Quote Page 277 and 278, Harper & Brothers Publishers New York. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1900 July 1, The Musical Herald, Groviana, Quote Page 203, Column 1, London, England. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
- 1907 January 30, Yale Alumni Weekly, Volume 16, Number 19, The New Football, Quote Page 422, Column 1, Note: Speech by William P. Clyde (Class of 1901) at annual dinner of the Yale Club, New York held on January 19, 1907, New Haven, Connecticut. (Google Boks Full View) link ↩︎
- 1922 January 24, The Saskatoon Phoenix, The Alarm Clock, Quote Page 4, Column 4, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. (Newspapers_com) link ↩︎
- 1923 March 17, Judge, Volume 84, Number 2159, This Wicked World by Walt Mason, Start Page 12, Quote Page 12, Column 3, Leslie-Judge Company, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 1935, Mark Twain: Wit and Wisdom, Edited by Cyril Clemens, Quote Page 85, Frederick A. Stokes Company, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
- 1963 April 17, The East Yolo Record, Column Nine, Quote Page 9, Column 6, West Sacramento, California. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎