Quote Origin: Reports of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated

Mark Twain? Frank Marshall White? Albert Bigelow Paine? Apocryphal?

A man in red shirt reading book on bed.
Public domain illustration of Mark Twain

Question for Quote Investigator: A famous anecdote about the humorist Mark Twain occurred when he was an elderly gentleman. A prominent newspaper reported that Twain was either gravely ill or dead. Journalists rushed to learn more about the story, and they found that Twain was still alive and in good health. When Twain was asked about the faulty report he responded with a quip. Here are four versions:

(1) The report of my death was an exaggeration
(2) Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated
(3) The report of my death has been grossly exaggerated
(4) The rumors of my demise are greatly exaggerated

Would you please help to dispel the uncertainty about what Twain really said by exploring this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: An entertaining thematic precursor to this quip was written by Mark Twain in 1863 while he was in Virginia City, Nevada. Twain sent a series of letters about his experiences in Nevada to the “Daily Morning Call†of San Francisco, California which published them.1 One of Twain’s letters2 described a false rumor about a local resident’s death. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:3

There was a report about town, last night, that Charles Strong, Esq., Superintendent of the Gould & Curry, had been shot and very effectually killed. I asked him about it at church this morning. He said there was no truth in the rumor.

Another precursor appeared in a short item within “The Daily Examiner†of San Francisco in 1882. The writer was an anonymous journalist:4

The rumor in reference to John Davis’ death was greatly exaggerated, and that gentleman was in Oakland to-day, apparently as well as ever.

On June 1, 1897 several newspapers reported that Mark Twain was seriously ill. The “Plainfield Courier-News†of New Jersey5 and the “Lebanon Daily News†of Pennsylvania6 both credited “The New York Herald†for the pessimistic story:

The sad news comes from London that Mark Twain is grievously ill and possibly dying. Worse still, we are told that his brilliant intellect is shattered and that he is sorely in need of money. Bravely and sturdily he fought up to the last, endeavoring to regain some portion of his lost fortune, and now it seems that his indomitable energy has at last left him and that we are not likely again to have any of those flashes of genius which long ago showed Mark Twain as the greatest living American humorist.

After all, the news from London may be exaggerated, though Mark Twain’s friends in this city are inclined to believe that it is true. For years Mark Twain was one of the most popular authors in this country as well as in Great Britain.

Several journalists attempted to contact Twain in London to determine the truth. The “New York Journal†published a story by journalist Frank Marshall White on the following day, June 2, 1897. Twain provided a rebuttal to the somber news:7

Mark Twain was undecided whether to be more amused or annoyed when a Journal representative informed him to-day of the report in New York that he was dying in poverty in London.

He is living in comfort and even luxury in a handsomely furnished house in a beautiful square in Chelsea with his wife and children . . .

The great humorist, while not perhaps very robust, is in the best of health. He said:

“I can understand perfectly how the report of my illness got about. I have even heard on good authority that I was dead. James Ross Clemens, of St. Louis, a cousin of mine, was seriously ill two or three weeks ago in London, but is well now. The report of my illness grew out of his illness.

“The report of my death was an exaggeration. The report of my poverty is harder to deal with. My friends might know that unless I were actually dying in poverty I should not live in poverty when I am receiving offers to lecture by every mail.â€

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Joke Origin: “Give Me a Cup of Coffee Without Cream” “You’ll Have To Take It Without Milk. We Haven’t Any Cream”

Jean-Paul Sartre? George Carlin? Slavoj Žižek? O. O. McIntyre? Sewell Ford? Billy Wilder? Leo Rosten? Anonymous?

A cup of coffee sitting on top of some beans.
Picture of a coffee cup with coffee beans from Unsplash

Question for Quote Investigator: Philosophers, linguists, and humorists enjoy the following joke about tacit knowledge: A person enters a café and requests coffee without cream. After a delay the waiter returns and says “I’m sorry. We’re out of cream. Would you like to have coffee without milk?â€

This joke has been attributed to the philosophers Jean-Paul Sartre and Slavoj Žižek. It also been linked to the humorists George Carlin and Leo Rosten. Would you please explore its provenance?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match located by QI appeared in “The Mansfield News†of Mansfield, Ohio in January 1921. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

“Give me a cup of coffee without cream.â€
“You’ll have to take it without milk. We haven’t any cream.â€
That from Johnny Hines’ new Torchy comedy.

U.S. actor Johnny Hines was a star of the silent film era. He appeared in a series of short films about a redheaded office worker named “Torchyâ€. The film titles included “Torchy Comes Through†(1920), “Torchy in High†(1920), and “Torchy’s Millions†(1920). The films were based on a series of books by Sewell Ford which began with “Torchyâ€2 in 1911.

QI has not seen these films. Also, QI has not examined all these books; hence, QI has not verified the presence or absence of this joke. Thus, the creator of the gag remains anonymous, at this time.

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Quote Origin: The Soul Is Healed By Being With Children

Fyodor Dostoevsky? Prince Myshkin? Constance Garnett? Henry Carlisle? Olga Carlisle? Apocryphal?

A man with long red beard and a brown jacket.
Portrait of Fyodor Dostoevsky circa 1872

Question for Quote Investigator: A major literary figure once wrote about the connection between children and spiritual health. Here are two versions:

(1) The soul is healed by being with children.
(2) Through children the soul is healed.

This remark has been attributed to the acclaimed Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky, but I have never seen a solid citation. Would you please help me to precisely locate the statement in Russian and English?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Fyodor Dostoevsky published the novel Идиот (“The Idiotâ€) serially between 1868 and 1869. An English translation by Constance Garnett appeared in 1913. During one scene in chapter six the main character Prince Lev Nikolayevitch Myshkin spoke about the children of a village and their schoolteacher Jules Thibaut. Boldface added to except by QI:1

At first he used to shake his head and wonder how it was the children understood everything from me and scarcely anything from him; and then he began laughing at me when I told him that neither of us could teach them anything, but that they can teach us. And how could he be envious of me and say things against me, when he spent his life with children himself! The soul is healed by being with children.

Below is the passage in Russian as it appeared in a 1973 edition of Идиот (“The Idiotâ€) from the U.S.S.R. Academy of Sciences:2

он Ñначала вÑÑ‘ качал головой и дивилÑÑ, как Ñто дети у Ð¼ÐµÐ½Ñ Ð²ÑÑ‘ понимают, а у него почти ничего, а потом Ñтал надо мной ÑмеÑÑ‚ÑŒÑÑ, когда Ñ ÐµÐ¼Ñƒ Ñказал, что мы оба их ничему не научим, а они еще Ð½Ð°Ñ Ð½Ð°ÑƒÑ‡Ð°Ñ‚. И как он мог мне завидовать и клеветать на менÑ, когда Ñам жил Ñ Ð´ÐµÑ‚ÑŒÐ¼Ð¸! Через детей душа лечитÑÑ.

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Quote Origin: The Only Traditions of the Royal Navy Are Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash

Winston Churchill? Harold Nicolson? Paddy Leigh Fermor? Anthony Montague Browne? Apocryphal?

A row of bottles sitting on top of a wooden shelf.
Four Bottles of Rum

Question for Quote Investigator: According to legend a British statesman was once criticized for disregarding naval tradition. The statesman responded with the following zinger:

 The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash.

This line has been attributed to Winston Churchill, but I am skeptical because I have never seen a solid citation. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest evidence known to QI appeared in a diary entry written by British diplomat Harold Nicolson on August 17, 1950. Nicolson stated that British travel writer Paddy Leigh Fermor told him the following story about Winston Churchill. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

. . . when Winston was at the Admiralty, the Board objected to some suggestion of his on the grounds that it would not be in accord with naval tradition. ‘Naval tradition? Naval tradition?’ said Winston. ‘Monstrous. Nothing but rum, sodomy, prayers and the lash.’

The evidence above was not direct. It was thirdhand. Fermor heard the anecdote and told Nicolson who wrote it in his diary in 1950. The diary was published in 1968.

Churchill quotation expert Richard M. Langworth has reported that Winston Churchill denied making this remark. Langworth published the important reference work “Churchill By Himself: The Definitive Collection of Quotations†which contained an entry on this topic. The initials WSC correspond to Winston S. Churchill:2

Naval tradition
Don’t talk to me about naval tradition. It’s nothing but rum, buggery [sometimes “sodomyâ€] and the lash.
Circa 1914-15, Admiralty.

In dinner conversation ca. 1955, private secretary Anthony Montague Browne confronted WSC with this quotation. “I never said it. I wish I had,†responded Churchill. (AMB to the editor.)

The evidence above was also indirect. Anthony Montague Browne spoke to Churchill and subsequently described the conversation to Langworth. Currently, the available data is discordant. Thus, QI is uncertain whether Churchill made this remark.

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Quip Origin: If God Had Intended That People Should Go Naked, We Would Have Been Born That Way

Walt Willis? Zorima? Raymond Duncan’s Wife? Anonymous?

A line drawing of clothes hanging on a clothesline.
Public domain illustration of a clothesline

Question for Quote Investigator: The “appeal to nature†argument asserts that something which is natural is good, and something which is unnatural is bad. This style of reasoning has produced the following entertaining statements:

(1) If God wanted us to wear clothes, we would have been born that way

(2) If God intended us to go naked, we would have been born that way

Nudists embrace the first pronouncement, and humorists employ the second pronouncement. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: This family of statements is difficult to trace because the phrasing and the intended meaning are variable. Here is an overview of pertinent remarks with dates

1902 Oct: If God wanted children to wear clothes, children would be born with clothes upon them (Credited to The Cleveland Press)

1910 Feb: If God had intended us to wear clothes Adam and Eve would have been born that way (Attributed to Raymond Duncan’s wife)

1914 Dec: If God had intended us to wear clothes Adam and Eve would have been born that way(Attributed to the leader of a new religion)

1934 Jun: If God had wanted people to go naked, why did He make coats of skin and clothe Adam and Eve as we read in Genesis 3:21? (Christian Girl of Akron, New York)

1934 Jul: If God had intended that we should be clad in the fibers of grasses or the skins of animals he would have provided us with these coverings. We are born nude (The Cavalier columnist)

1941 Aug: I feel that if we had needed clothes, God would have provided them (Zorima, Queen of the Nudists)

1964 May: If God had meant us to be nudists, we’d have been born without clothes (Attributed to Walt Willis)

1969 Jul: If God had intended that man should go naked, he would have been born that way (Anonymous)

1969 Dec: If God had meant for us to run around without any clothes on, we would all have been born naked (Anonymous)

1970 Sep: if God had meant us to walk around without clothes, we would have been born naked (A. D. Coleman)

1979: If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked (Ellis’ Eloquence)

1994: If God had intended us to go around naked, He would have made us that way (Olum’s Observation)

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Quote Origin: The Way That Person Believes In Themselves Is Quite Refreshing In These Atheistic Times When Many Believe In No God At All

Israel Zangwill? G. K. Chesterton? George Bernard Shaw? William Thomas Stead? H. G. Wells? Apocryphal?

A lake with sun rays coming through the clouds.
Illustration of Rays of Sunlight from Unsplash

Question for Quote Investigator: Intellectuals often think very highly of themselves. One wit satirized this self-absorption with the following quip:

The way he believes in himself is very refreshing in these atheistic days when so many believe in no God at all.

This comical remark has been credited to British author Israel Zangwill. The target of this barb was either Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw or English editor William Thomas Stead. Yet, I have not seen any solid citations. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: William Thomas Stead was an influential newspaper and magazine editor who campaigned against child prostitution. Stead had broad interests, and over time his fascination with ghosts, spiritualism, and psychical research grew.

In 1891 Stead published “Real Ghost Storiesâ€, and in 1893 he founded the magazine “Borderland†about supernatural phenomena. Tragically, Stead received no warning from the spirit world when he boarded the ill-fated RMS Titanic, and he perished when it sank in 1912.

In 1893 “The Pall Mall Magazine†published a piece by Israel Zangwill which skeptically discussed Stead’s enthusiasm for investigating ghosts. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

And you cannot kill Ghosts. Perhaps because they do not exist. No other dead thing is so tenacious of life as your ghost. If ridicule were really fatal, we should have given up the ghost long since. Consider the fires of burlesque through which he has passed unscathed. What indignity has been spared him? Now at last he is to encounter the supreme test—he is to be taken seriously.

Mr. Stead has the matter in hand—or should one say, the spirit? Once a quarter there will be a pilgrimage to Borderland (terms, 10s. 6d. per annum). Mr. Stead, who believes in himself in a way that is refreshing in these atheistic times, will either rehabilitate the ghost or lay him for ever.

The phrase “10s. 6d.†corresponded to ten shillings and sixpence, the cost of an annual subscription to the Stead’s magazine “Borderlandâ€.

Based on the above citation QI believes that Israel Zangwill authored this zinger, and the target was William Thomas Stead and not George Bernard Shaw. During subsequent years the joke was repeated and altered. The phrasing evolved, and the target shifted.

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Anecdote Origin: In the Wild Hill Countries from Whence My Client Comes They Talk of Little Else

Alexander Martin Sullivan? Marshall Hall? Henry Harte Barry? John Chute Neligan?

A wooden gavel and a brown container on top of a table.
Illustration of a wooden gavel from Unsplash

Question for Quote Investigator: A popular anecdote in legal circles concerns a lawyer who was representing a client from a rural area. The judge condescendingly asked the lawyer whether the client was familiar with a legal doctrine which was identified via a pompous Latin phrase such as “Sic utere tuo ut alienum non laedas†or “Res ipsa loquiturâ€.

The lawyer punctured the pretension by replying, “My Lord, in the bogs of western Ireland where my client comes from, when friends are gathered together for a drink on Saturday night, they talk of nothing else.â€

There are many versions of this tale. The Latin phrase, the rural location, and the sardonic reply vary. Yet, the overall template is the same. Would you please explore the provenance of this anecdote?

Reply from Quote Investigator: This tale is difficult to trace because of its variability. The earliest published match known to QI appeared in “The Yorkshire Post†of England in April 1949. The lawyer was Alexander Martin Sullivan of Ireland who held the rank of Serjeant-at-Law. The judge was unidentified. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

The Serjeant’s client, a poor illiterate Irish peasant, was claiming damages for personal injury. The Judge took the view that there were legal objections.

“Mr. Serjeant,†he protested, “has your client never heard of the maxim, volenti non fit injuria? (an injury is not done to a person who consents).

The Serjeant fixed the Judge with a steely eye.

“My Lord,†he retorted in his rich brogue, “in the village of Ballymena, from which my client comes, it is almost the sole topic of conversation.â€

Interestingly, Sullivan published a memoir in 1952 within which he told a different version of this anecdote. He also disclaimed credit for the punchline. See further below.

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Quote Origin: The Literary World Is Made Up of Second-Rate Writers Who Write About Other Second-Rate Writers

Mickey Spillane? Terry Southern? David Halberstam? Apocryphal?

A black and white drawing of an old fashioned typewriter.
Public domain illustration of a typewriter

Question for Quote Investigator: The best-selling author of pulp thrillers was excoriated by literary critics. His reported response was harsh:

The literary world is made of second-rate writers writing about other second-rate writers.

This statement has been credited to Mickey Spillane, but I am skeptical because I have never seen a citation. Is this quotation genuine? Would you please help me to find a citation?

Reply from Quote Investigator: U.S. crime novelist Mickey Spillane created the detective character Mike Hammer. Spillane wrote “I, the Jury†(1947), “My Gun Is Quick†(1950), “Kiss Me Deadly†(1952), and other bestsellers. In 1963 “Esquire†magazine published an interview with Spillane conducted by Terry Southern who mentioned that he was preparing a magazine issue covering the U.S. literary scene. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

After a terrific guffaw, and a slow, rather deliberate and somehow menacing cracking of knuckles, the Mick said, “Yeah, I’ve seen those articles—they never mention me; all they talk about are the Losers.â€
“The Losers?â€
“The guys who didn’t make it—the guys nobody ever heard of.â€
“Why would they talk about them?â€
“Because they can be condescending about the Losers. You know, they can afford to say something nice about them. You see, these articles are usually written by Losers—frustrated writers. And these writers resent success. So naturally they never have anything good to say about the Winners.â€

Spillane’s answers above did not precisely match the quotation under examination; however, his remarks did exhibit a conceptual match. The term “losers†corresponded to “second-rate writersâ€. See the 1993 citation further below to learn more about the true creator of the quotation.

The 1963 interview contained other sharp replies from Spillane:2

“How do you feel about literary criticism of your books?â€
“The public is the only critic. And the only literature is what the public reads. The first printing of my last book was more than two million copies—that’s the kind of opinion that interests me.â€

When Spillane was asked about a fellow writer he was unsparing:

“Thomas Wolfe was a lousy writer,†he said. “He didn’t know what he was doing.â€

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Quote Origin: There Is No Such Thing as a New Idea. We Simply Take a Lot of Old Ideas and Put Them Into a Sort of Mental Kaleidoscope

Mark Twain? Albert Bigelow Paine? Caroline Thomas Harnsberger? Apocryphal?

A person holding a glass of water in front of a light.
Illustration of a kaleidoscope held by a hand from Unsplash

Question for Quote Investigator: A famous author once suggested that humankind was not generating any genuinely new ideas. The author illustrated this viewpoint via a clever simile. Ideas were like pieces of colored glass in a kaleidoscope. The ideas which appeared to be new were only configurations of old ideas obtained by twisting the kaleidoscope.

This notion has been attributed to Mark Twain, but I have never seen a citation. Would you please help?

Reply from Quote Investigator: In 1906 Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Clemens) traveled to Washington D.C. to testify before Congress in favor of extending the length of copyright ownership for authors. Twain traveled by train with several friends including  Albert Bigelow Paine who later became Twain’s biographer and literary executor. During the journey Twain spoke about ideas to his companions. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

On the trip down in the dining-car there was a discussion concerning the copyrighting of ideas, which finally resolved itself into the possibility of originating a new one. Clemens said:

“There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.â€

Twain died in 1910. The passage above appeared posthumously in 1912 within the third volume of “Mark Twain: A Biography: The Personal and Literary Life of Samuel Langhorne Clemens†by Albert Bigelow Paine.

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Joke Origin: A Person Who Makes Puns Should Be Drawn and Quoted

Fred Allen? John Florence Sullivan? Charlie Rice? Red Skelton? Anonymous?

A picture of the front side of a coin.
A visual pun for the word “quarteredâ€

Question for Quote Investigator: Puns are regularly lambasted, but the complaints are often comical as in the following slyly self-reflexive joke:

A person who makes puns should be drawn and quoted.

This statement has been attributed to comedian Fred Allen, newspaper columnist Charlie Rice, and entertainer Red Skelton. Would you please help me to find the true originator?

Reply from Quote Investigator: This joke alludes to the penalty of drawing and quartering which was ordained in England in the thirteenth century for the crime of treason.

The earliest match for this joke found by QI appeared in a column by Charlie Rice in the widely distributed Sunday newspaper supplement “This Week Magazine†in April 1961. Rice credited Fred Allen. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

Meanwhile, let us hope for the best, and remember the words of the late Fred Allen: “Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted!â€

Fred Allen (stage name of John Florence Sullivan) was one of the most popular humorists on the radio in the U.S. in the 1930s and 1940s. He died in 1956.

Additional compelling evidence appeared in the 2001 book “All the Sincerity in Hollywood†which contained writings from Fred Allen compiled and edited by Stuart Hample who was able to access the private collection of the Allen family and an archive of Allen’s documents at the Rare Book & Manuscript Division of the Boston Public Library. Hample explained the strategy Allen used to gather material for his radio program:2

Allen penciled random thoughts on the sheets of foolscap he kept in his pockets, some written as grist for his radio comedy, others for reasons known only to himself.

Hample indicated that Allen’s notes were written in lower case. Here were four items:3

most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing our wild oats — then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

hanging is too good for a man who makes puns, he should be drawn and quoted.

everything in radio is as valuable as a butterfly’s belch.

celebrity — person who works hard his whole life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

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