Quote Origin: Humorous Serial Comma Examples – Are They Genuine or Apocryphal?

Ayn Rand? R. M. Bevensee? Merle Haggard? Tom McCahill?

Question for Quote Investigator: Consider the following list of four items: octopus, pineapple, pencil, and kangaroo. The final comma is referred to as a serial comma, and some style manuals argue that it should be omitted. This comma is also called an Oxford or Harvard comma. The omission of serial commas occasionally leads to hilarious results. Here are four examples I have seen:

(1) Book dedication: Dedicated to my parents, Ayn Rand and God.

(2) His global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.

(3) Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.

(4) My car was loaded to the gunwales with heavy luggage, two dogs and my wife.

The first example suggests that the author was the product of a union between a famous philosopher and a deity. In this comical interpretation, the phrase “Ayn Rand and God” functions as an appositive which provides a further description of the noun “parents”. Hence, one parent is Ayn Rand, and the other parent is God.

The other three examples also engender ludicrous interpretations. Did a naïve writer construct any of these statements? Which of these statements was crafted by a humorist?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match known to QI for the first statement appeared in the 1964 book “Electromagnetic Slow Wave Systems” by R. M. Bevensee who was an Assistant Professor of Electrical Engineering, University of California Berkeley. The dedication was written on four lines, and the author employed a serial comma. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

This Book is Dedicated to
my parents,
Ayn Rand,
and the glory of GOD

QI conjectures that the lines above inspired an unknown person to construct an apocryphal shortened comical version without the serial comma. In 1997 a message posted to the Usenet newsgroup alt.books.reviews contained an instance of this joke:2

Among copyeditors, a favorite argument in support of the “serial comma” (i.e. the comma that comes just before the ‘and’ in a series of three items or more) is demonstrated by a supposed dedication in someone else’s work. Whether apocryphal or not I dunno. Anyway, it was supposedly published as —

. Dedicated to my parents, Ayn Rand and God

In November 1998 “The Sunday Times” of London published a capsule summary of a television series called “Planet Ustinov” hosted by the British actor and raconteur Peter Ustinov. The following passage provided a genuine example of unintentional humor because it omitted the serial comma:3

By train, plane and sedan chair, Peter Ustinov retraces a journey made by Mark Twain a century ago. The highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.

In December 1998 “The Guardian” printed a collection of items from other newspapers titled “Your Favourite Cuttings”. The clipping above appeared with the following description:4

Nelson Mandela as you have never seen him before. From an unfortunate television preview in the Times, November 22

In 2005 the apocryphal dedication mentioning Ayn Rand continued to circulate via the book “The Revenge of Anguished English: More Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language” by Richard Lederer:5

If you ever need an exhibit to bolster your argument for use of the serial comma — the one that’s inserted before and, as in “red, white, and blue” — simply turn to the following book dedication: “To my parents, Ayn Rand and God.”

In 2010 the “Los Angeles Times” published a piece about a new documentary covering the life of country music singer and songwriter Merle Haggard. Beneath the picture of Haggard was a caption that provided another genuine example of unintentional humor:6

MERLE HAGGARD: The documentary was filmed over three years. Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.

In 2012 columnist Robert Fulford of the “National Post” in Toronto, Canada published an article about the Oxford comma:7

One member of the pro-Oxford faction claims to have found the ultimate proof in a line from a newspaper story about a documentary on Merle Haggard: “Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.” In that sentence (traditionalists argue) one curly little Oxford comma after Kristofferson would have cleared up what otherwise looked like a bizarre error.

In 2014 “The Times” of London pointed to the 1998 example:8

Why punctuation matters

“Highlights of [Peter Ustinov’s] global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector” (The Sunday Times TV listings, 1998)

In March 1960 “Mechanix Illustrated” published an article entitled “The Oldsmobile” by Tom McCahill. The author described an incident during which he narrowly avoided an accident:9

A guy in a little old car was creeping along ahead of me with one wheel in the gutter. I pulled toward the center of the road to pass him. Suddenly, without any signal whatsoever, this character made a hard left turn directly across my path. My car was loaded to the gunwales with heavy luggage, two dogs and my wife. By making his left turn, the other car had completely blocked the two lanes of highway.

An August 1960 “Mechanix Illustrated” published a letter sent to Tom McCahill about the ambiguity of the sentence he composed in March 1960:10

Just read your report on the ’60 Olds and was struck by the statement, “My car was loaded to the gunwales with heavy luggage, two dogs and my wife.” A series of articles in a sentence should be separated by commas to clarify the meaning—or were you describing the heavy luggage as being the two dogs and your wife?

McCahill responded to the letter with the simple two word interrogative: “What else?”

In summary, current evidence indicates that the first example is apocryphal. The second example is genuine; it appeared in “The Sunday Times” in 1998. The third example is genuine; it appeared in the “Los Angeles Times” in 2010. The fourth example is genuine; it appeared in  “Mechanix Illustrated” in 1960.

Image Notes: Illustration of three commas.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Language Log, Richard Lederer, Ben Yagoda, and Benjamin Dreyer who have all presented examples from this set to illustrate the serial comma. Special thanks to @jondanziger, Stephen Goranson, @miss_reading, @chris_bloke, and @BillEllson who all helped QI obtain information about citations for this article. Also, thanks to David Daniel who told QI about a typo. In addition, thanks to James Landau who mentioned the 1960 example and pointed toward the two citations.

Update History: On July 15, 2024 the March 1960 citation was added to the article. On July 16, 2024 the August 1960 citation was added to the article.

  1. 1964 Copyright, Electromagnetic Slow Wave Systems by R. M. Bevensee (Assistant Professor of Electrical Engineering, University of California Berkeley), (Dedication page of book), Unnumbered Page, John Wiley & Sons, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  2. February 3, 1997, Usenet discussion message, Newsgroup: alt.books.reviews, From: ed.n…@syslink.mcs.com, Subject: ayn rand? (Google Groups Search; Accessed December 18, 2022) link ↩︎
  3. 1998 November 22, The Sunday Times, The week in view: Best Travelogue — Planet Ustinov, Quote Page 29, Column 3, London, England. (Gale Historical Archive of The Sunday Times) ↩︎
  4. 1998 December 19, The Guardian, Section: The Editor, Your Favourite Cuttings, Quote Page 10, Column 2, London, England. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  5. 2005, The Revenge of Anguished English: More Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language by Richard Lederer, Chapter: Extra-Tasty Grammar Crackers, Quote Page 163, St. Martin’s Press, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  6. 2010 July 21, Los Angeles Times, Television Review: Haggard — candid as ever by Randy Lewis, Quote Page D10, Column 2, Los Angeles, California. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  7. 2012 September 11, National Post, Grammer, grammar & preppy vampires by Robert Fulford (Notebook), Quote Page AL9, Column 5, Toronto, Ontario, Canada. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  8. 2014 February 8, The Times, Why the comma is heading towards its own full stop by Oliver Moody, Quote Page 21, Column 1, London, England. (Gale The Times Archive) ↩︎
  9. 1960 March, Mechanix Illustrated, The Oldsmobile by Tom McCahill, Start Page 92, Quote Page 94 and 168, Fawcett Publications, Greenwich, Connecticut. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  10. 1960 August, Mechanix Illustrated, Section: Mail For McCahill, Letter from: Onus M. Comer of Novato, California,  Start Page 49, Quote Page 52, Column 1, Fawcett Publications, Greenwich, Connecticut. (Verified with scans) ↩︎

Quote Origin: If You Think Squash Is a Competitive Activity Try Flower Arrangement

Alan Bennett? Maggie Smith? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: Sports contests are often highly competitive, but one does not expect to find bitter rivalry and ambition in a genteel craft. Here are two versions of a statement that highlights this incongruity:

(1) If you think squash is a competitive activity try flower arrangement.

(2) If you think squash is a competitive activity try flower-arranging.

Would you please help me to find the origin of this humorous statement and the correct phrasing?

Reply from Quote Investigator: English playwright and screenwriter Alan Bennett authored a group of six monologues for BBC television in 1987. The works were published under the title “Talking Heads” by BBC Books in 1988. The prominent actress Maggie Smith played the role of Susan who was a vicar’s wife for the second monologue titled “Bed Among the Lentils”. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

I’m even a fool at the flower arrangement. I ought to have a PhD in the subject the number of classes I’ve been to but still my efforts show as much evidence of art as walking sticks in an umbrella stand. Actually it’s temperament. I don’t have it. If you think squash is a competitive activity try flower arrangement.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “Quote Origin: If You Think Squash Is a Competitive Activity Try Flower Arrangement”

Quote Origin: When Hopes Seem Hardly Worth Having, Just Mount a Bicycle and Go For a Good Spin Down the Road

Arthur Conan Doyle? Sherlock Holmes? Diane Ackerman? Jeremy Withers? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was a bicycle enthusiast. He suggested that taking a spin down the road on a bicycle would dispel feelings of discouragement and unhappiness. I do not know the precise phrasing Conan Doyle used. Would you please help me to find a citation?

Reply from Quote Investigator: In May 1895 “Demorest’s Family Magazine” of New York published a piece titled “What Are the Benefits of Bicycling?”, and a section called “Testimony of an Enthusiast” printed the following words from Arthur Conan Doyle. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hopes seem hardly worth having, just mount a bicycle and go for a good spin down the road, without thought of anything but the ride you are taking.

I have myself ridden the bicycle most during my practice as a physician and during my work in letters. In the morning or the afternoon, before or after work, as the mood o’ertakes me, I mount the wheel and am off for a spin of a few miles up or down the road from my country place. I can only speak words of praise for the bicycle, for I believe that its use is commonly beneficial and not at all detrimental to health, except in the matter of beginners who overdo it.

The bicycle craze seems to me to be only in its infancy, for probably in time we shall witness the spectacle of our business men going to their offices mounted on the bicycle, instead of using the tramways.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

In October 1895 the London periodical “Cycling” reprinted the first two paragraphs of the passage above with a short introduction:2

DR. CONAN DOYLE, the popular author, and creator of Sherlock Holmes, is a cyclist, and writes thus sensibly and enthusiastically about the pastime: — “When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope seems hardly worth having, just mount a bicycle and go out for a good spin down the road, without thought of anything but the ride you are taking . . .”

The words were also reprinted in several other newspapers and magazines such as “Scientific American”3 of New York in January 1896 and “The Wheelwoman”4 of London in November 1896.

In 1999 U.S. poet and essayist Diane Ackerman published “Deep Play”, and she published a slightly altered version of the passage. The phrase “good spin” became “spin”:5

So many artists have been inspired by the bicycle it would take a separate book to consider them all. There are dozens of writers alone. Arthur Conan Doyle relied on his beloved bicycle to give him inspiration for his Sherlock Holmes mysteries. “When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope hardly seems worth having,” he advised, “just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin down the road, without thought on anything but the ride you are taking.”

The statement has continued to circulate in modern times. The 2017 book “The War of the Wheels: H. G. Wells and the Bicycle” by Jeremy Withers included this passage:6

An 1896 issue of Scientific American shows Conan Doyle confessing to his own frequent practice of cycling and declaring a belief that “[w]hen the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope hardly seems worth having” all one needs to do is “just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin down the road.”

In conclusion, Arthur Conan Doyle deserves credit for the enthusiastic comments he made about bicycling published in May 1895. His words have been reprinted many times during the ensuing years. Occasionally, the statements have been slightly altered.

Image Notes: Silhouette of a person on a bicycle from renategranade0 at Pixabay.

Acknowledgments: Great thanks to John Neal, Mardy Grothe, and Clint Von Gundy who inquired about a thematically related quotation attributed to H. G. Wells. QI encountered the remark from Conan Doyle while conducting research, and QI decided to formulate this question and perform this exploration.

  1. 1895 May, Demorest’s Family Magazine, Volume 31, Number 7, What Are the Benefits of Bicycling?: Testimony of an Enthusiast: Dr. A. Conan Doyle (Physician, Lecturer and Author), Quote Page 383, Column 1, W. Jennings Demorest, New York. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
  2. 1895 October 19, Cycling, Conan Doyle On Cycling, Quote Page 222 (28), Column 2, London, England. (British Newspaper Archive) ↩︎
  3. 1896 January 18, Scientific American, Volume 74, Number 3, Cycle Notes, Quote Page 38, Column 3, Munn & Company, New York. (Google Books Full View) link ↩︎
  4. 1896 November 28, The Wheelwoman, Medical Opinion in Favour of Women Cycling, Quote Page 28, Column 1 and 2, London, England. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  5. 1999, Deep Play by Diane Ackerman, Chapter Six: Creating Minds, Quote Page 133, Random House, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  6. 2017, The War of the Wheels: H. G. Wells and the Bicycle by Jeremy Withers, Chapter: Introduction, Quote Page 5, Syracuse University Press, Syracuse, New York. (Google Books Preview) ↩︎

Quote Origin: I’d Rather Have a Free Bottle in Front of Me Than a Prefrontal Lobotomy

Tom Waits? Steve Allen? John Prine? Dorothy Parker? Fred Allen? Carlton W. Berenda? Herb Caen? Lew London? Joshua Baer? Dr. Rock? Randy Hanzlick? Graffito?

Question for Quote Investigator: The following wordplay is popular with drinking enthusiasts. Here are two versions:

(1) I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
(2) I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

This remark has been attributed to singer and songwriter Tom Waits, comedian and polymath Steve Allen, poet and wit Dorothy Parker, and others. I have been unable to determine who really deserves credit. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match for this wordplay known to QI occurred in the 1965 book “World Visions and the Image of Man: Cosmologies as Reflections of Man” by Carlton W. Berenda who was a Professor of Philosophy at the University of Oklahoma.1 Boldface added to excerpts by QI:2

And the male, confronted with this creature from day to day, may be driven to reflect upon three alternatives: “A bottle in front of me, a frontal lobotomy, or the front off the bottom of me!” There is a fourth alternative: Grow up!

The second earliest match occurred in a profile of Steve Allen published by the Copley News Service in 1976. The article described a comedy skit from a new syndicated TV program called “Laugh-Back” during which Allen played a character named Dr. Mal Practice who conversed with a potential patient played by Jayne Meadows:3

Jayne: “How did you become a country doctor?”
Steve: “They wouldn’t let me practice in the city.”
Jayne: “I was thinking of a prefrontal lobotomy.”
Steve: “A free bottle in front of me? Listen, you need a prefrontal lobotomy like you need a hole in your head.”

Both Carlton W. Berenda and Steve Allen are leading candidates for creator of this quip. The first published evidence points to Berenda in 1965; however, Allen has claimed in a 1987 book that he accidentally invented the joke during his nightclub act which he performed before and after 1965. Tom Waits used the joke in 1977 after it was already in circulation. The attribution to Dorothy Parker occurred many years after her death and that evidence was not substantive.

Additional selected citations and details appear below in chronological order.

In March 1977 widely published columnist Herb Caen of the “San Francisco Chronicle” in California reported that the joke was seen written on the wall of a pub in his home town:4

For the graffito of the wk., Gordon Taylor nominates this, on the menzroom wall of the Edinburgh Castle on Geary: “I’d rather have a free bottle in front o’ me than a prefrontal lobotomy”

In August 1977 Tom Waits appeared as a guest on the television show “Fernwood 2 Night” which was a parody of a late night talk show.5 The primary host was Barth Gimble who was played by comedian Martin Mull. The show presented a fanciful scenario in which the van carrying Tom Waits to a concert broke down and stranded him in the fictional small town location of the program:6

Martin Mull (as Barth Gimble): It’s kind of strange to have a guy sitting here with a bottle in front of him. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Tom Waits: Well, I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

In October 1977 “The Burlington Free Press” of Vermont published a piece about a local performance by musician Lew London who played a song with a title based on the quip:7

The mandolin — his “eight-string clarinet” — was used to tell an instrumental tale about an alcoholic on “I’d Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me, Than a Frontal Lobotomy.”

In February 1978 the UPI News Service published an article about the celebration of Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisiana:8

The young lady on a wrought-iron balcony above the crowd in Bourbon Street, a blonde with more hair than costume, cupped her hands in front of her face and shouted: “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!”

Also, in February 1978 columnist Herb Caen of San Francisco wrote about this topic again. Caen reported that a reader had told him that Steve Allen deserved credit for the joke which dated back to 1958 although no direct evidence for this claim was presented:9

Let’s get our act together, folks: S. Clay Wilson points out that the graffito most often sighted and printed these days — “I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy” — was first uttered by Steve Allen as long ago as 1958.

In March 1978 journalist Clark Peterson at music magazine “CREEM” recalled Tom Waits’ striking television appearance:10

When he made his TV debut on Fernwood 2 Night, singing “The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)” and then bantered with friend/host Martin Mull, Mull apologized for having only a Diet Pepsi to offer. Waits whipped out a flask from his coat and Mull made a comment about him “sitting here with a bottle in front of him.”

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy,” Waits shot back. Later he offered: “People who can’t face drugs turn to reality.”

In May 1978 columnist Joshua Baer of the influential periodical “Musician” began an article with the following statement without attribution:11

I’d Rather Have a Free Bottle in Front of Me Than a Prefrontal Lobotomy

In January 1979 a columnist at “Variety” magazine described a sign at a far-off bar in Haines (misspelled as Haynes), Alaska:12

There is at least one lonely person fearing for his sanity in the serenity of the wildness who graphically stated his case and hung it over a bar for others to share and be guided by. The sign reads: “I would rather have a free bottle in front of me than a free frontal lobotomy.”

The 1980 collection “Graffiti 2” compiled by British researcher Nigel Rees contained the following item and location:13

I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. Leicester University

Also, in 1980 “The Official Explanations” compiled by Paul Dickson included the following item crediting comedian Fred Allen. QI conjectures that the names of the two Allens, Steve and Fred, were confused:14

Allen’s Motto. I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

(Fred Allen. DRW.) Source: DRW. Donald R. Woods, Stanford, Cal.

In 1981 entertainment trade journal “Billboard” linked the saying to a musician who was attempting to promote himself:15

An Atlanta pathologist who works at a local blood bank there has discovered an unusual way of launching his music career: as “Dr. Rock,” Randy Hanzlick has released his debut single entitled “I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me (Than A Frontal Lobotomy).” On the Kand Hanz label, the novelty record has attracted some attention nationally, and Hanzlick hopes that this will lead to more recording for him.

In 1982 the saying appeared as a slogan for a t-shirt listed in an advertisement printed in “Rolling Stone” magazine:16

TAKE A FREE T-SHIRT! WITH EVERY 4 YOU BUY!

I’D RATHER HAVE A FREE BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A PREFRONTAL LOBOTOMY

In 1982 the saying with an anonymous attribution appeared in “The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said” compiled by Robert Byrne:17

I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. Unknown

In 1987 Steve Allen published “How To Be Funny: Discovering the Comic You”. He described creating the line spontaneously during his nightclub act, but Allen did not precisely specify when he created the line. He had a long history in show business achieving fame on radio and later on television with “The Steve Allen Show” in 1950 and “The Tonight Show” in 1953:18

One of the biggest laughs in my nightclub act is a joke in the Dr. Mal Practice sketch. At that point, I’m talking about having performed brain surgery. For this particular spot I had written a line saying that the patient needed a prefrontal lobotomy like he needed a hole in the head.

The line always worked well. But one night, while on the way to that particular joke, I momentarily forgot the phrase “prefrontal lobotomy.” Whenever I have a moment of forgetfulness onstage, I naturally have no alternative but to revert to the ad-lib mode. A second or two later the phrase I was fishing for came back to me and I said, “The operation was a… a… prefrontal lobotomy. Or no, wait a minute. Maybe it was a free bottle in front of me.”

That line got a much bigger laugh than the regular hole-in-the-head reference, so naturally it became a permanent part of the routine. Some time later comedian Martin Mull happened to mention to me that he’d seen a country type comic a few days earlier whose work he had enjoyed very much and quoted the “free bottle in front of me” line as an example of how funny the comic was.

In November 1989 a writer in a Texas newspaper tentatively attributed the line to a country music star:19

Tom Allston of The Amarillo (Texas) Globe-News says a recent article on country music titles brought to mind a couple of songs by Amarillo songwriters:

“You Put the Hell in Hello and the Good in Goodbye” by Bobby Hertner, and “I Play the Jukebox to Remember What I’m Drinking to Forget” by Jim Daniel.

But Allston says the all-time classic as far as he is concerned is by John Prine (“I think”): “I’d Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy.”

A dozen days later in 1989, a columnist in Fresno, California attributed the saying to Dorothy Parker:20

The writer also mistakenly attributed “I’d Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy” to singer-songwriter John Prine. Prine did not sing the tune, and it may not even be a song. The phrase itself is generally attributed to Dorothy Parker.

In conclusion, the two top candidates for authorship of this quip are Carlton W. Berenda and Steve Allen. Berenda wrote the earliest published instance which occurred in the 1965 book “World Visions and the Image of Man”. However, it is possible that Berenda heard it during the nightclub act of Steve Allen who was a veteran performer before the 1960s. Allen claimed coinage of the joke in his 1987 book “How To Be Funny”, but the earliest published proof that Allen used the joke occurred in November 1976 when he presented a version of his nightclub act on television.

Tom Waits, Herb Caen, Lew London, Joshua Baer, Randy Hanzlick, and many others used the saying after it was already in circulation. Instances have appeared as graffiti on both sides of the Atlantic. The attributions to Dorothy Parker and Fred Allen are unsupported.

Image Notes: Picture of champagne bottles and glasses from DariuszSankowski at Pixabay. Image has been resized.

Acknowledgments: Great thanks to Joshua Beiningen, Janet McConnaughey, Jesse Sheidlower, Stuart Barr, Rayandlise, and Steve White whose inquiries led QI to formulate this question and perform this exploration. Special thanks to previous researchers Barry Popik, Fred Shapiro, Nigel Rees, Mardy Grothe, and others. Popik identified the important citations in 1965 and 1976.

  1. 1967 Copyright, The Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Volume 1, Editor in Chief: Paul Edwards, Section: List of Contributors, Quote Page xix, The Macmillan Company & The Free Press, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  2. 1965 Copyright, World Visions and the Image of Man: Cosmologies as Reflections of Man by C. W. Berenda (Carlton W. Berenda), Quote Page 196, Vantage Press, New York. (Verified visually by a librarian at the John C. Hodges Library of University of Tennessee at Knoxville) ↩︎
  3. 1976 November 26, The Bee, Deep Down In His Heart Steve Allen Is Silly by Don Freeman (Copley News Service), Quote Page 8B, Column 8, Danville, Virginia. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  4. 1977 March 21, San Francisco Chronicle, Monday-Go-Bleagh by Herb Caen, Quote Page 17, Column 1,San Francisco, California. (GenealogyBank) ↩︎
  5. YouTube video, Video title: Fernwood 2 Night S01E21 Tom Waits, Uploaded on Aug 24, 2021, Uploaded by: MyVidoesForYou, (Quotation starts at 8 minutes 42 seconds of 21 minutes 57 seconds), Description: Video of an episode of Fernwood 2 Night broadcast on August 1, 1977. (Accessed on youtube.com on December 22, 2022) link ↩︎
  6. YouTube video, Video title: I’d Rather have a bottle…, Uploaded on May 23, 2006, Uploaded by: aemorais, (Quotation starts at 6 seconds of 13 seconds), Description: Video excerpt is from an episode of Fernwood 2 Night broadcast in August 1977. (Accessed on youtube.com on December 22, 2022) link ↩︎
  7. 1977 October 12, The Burlington Free Press, New London’s Quick Music Is Infectious by Susan Green (Free Press Correspondent), Quote Page 3C, Column 2, Burlington, Vermont. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  8. 1978 February 7, The Crowley Post-Signal, New Orleans Gripped By Mardi Gras (UPI News Service), Quote Page 1, Column 4, Crowley, Louisiana. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  9. 1978 February 13, San Francisco Chronicle, We Are Not Alone by Herb Caen, Quote Page 25, Column 1, San Francisco, California. (GenealogyBank) ↩︎
  10. 2005, Innocent When You Dream: The Tom Waits Reader, Edited by Mac Montandon, Chapter: The Slime Who Came in from the Cold, From: CREEM, Author: Clark Peterson, Date: March 1978, Quote Page 5, Thunder’s Mouth Press: An Imprint of Avalon Publishing Group, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  11. 1978 May 1, Musician, Player, and Listener, AM-FM by Joshua Baer, Quote Page 6, Column 1, Amordian Press Inc., Boulder, Colorado. (ProQuest) ↩︎
  12. 1979 January 17, Variety, ‘And Now A Word From…’: The Sign That Says It All by Carroll Carroll, Quote Page 59, Column 1, Los Angeles, California. (ProQuest) ↩︎
  13. 1980, Graffiti 2, Compiled by Nigel Rees, Quote Page 84, Unwin Paperbacks, London. (Verified in hardcopy) ↩︎
  14. 1980, The Official Explanations by Paul Dickson, Quote Page A4, Also Section: Source Code, Delacorte Press, New York. (Verified on paper) ↩︎
  15. 1981 May 2, Billboard, Volume 93, Issue 17, Nashville Scene by Kip Kirby, Quote Page 60, Column 5, New York. (ProQuest) ↩︎
  16. 1982 November 11, Rolling Stone, TAKE A FREE T-SHIRT! (Advertisement for T-Shirts from Image Designs of Berkeley, California), Quote Page 74, Column 4, Straight Arrow Publishers, New York. (ProQuest) ↩︎
  17. 1982, The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, Compiled by Robert Byrne, Quotation Number 257, Fawcett Crest Book: Ballantine Books, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  18. 1987, How To Be Funny: Discovering the Comic You by Steve Allen with Jane Wollman, Chapter 12: Television Talk Show Comedy, Quote Page 265 and 266, McGraw-Hill Book Company, New York. (Verified with scans) ↩︎
  19. 1989 November 10, Lexington Herald-Leader He’ll think he’s underpaid, Quote Page A17, Column 2 and 3, Lexington, Kentucky. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎
  20. 1989 November 22, The Fresno Bee, From the desk of Dennis Pollock, Quote Page D2, Column 2, Fresno, California. (Newspapers_com) ↩︎

Quote Origin: Do What You Can, With What You’ve Got, Where You Are

Theodore Roosevelt? George Washington Carver? Bill Widener? William H. Maxwell? Frederick James Eugene Woodbridge? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: There are psychological barriers to accomplishing a major task. Dreaming about obtaining more resources or reaching a superior starting position leads to procrastination. Instead, you must do what you can with what you have, and you must begin where you are.

U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt said something like this. Would you please help me to find the accurate phrasing? Also, is the attribution to Roosevelt correct?

Reply from Quote Investigator: In 1913 Theodore Roosevelt published an autobiography which contained a matching statement. Interestingly, Roosevelt disclaimed credit for the popular motivational saying, and he named another person as author. The following passage presented Roosevelt’s philosophical perspective. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

It may be true that he travels farthest who travels alone; but the goal thus reached is not worth reaching. And as for a life deliberately devoted to pleasure as an end—why, the greatest happiness is the happiness that comes as a byproduct of striving to do what must be done, even though sorrow is met in the doing.

There is a bit of homely philosophy, quoted by Squire Bill Widener, of Widener’s Valley, Virginia which sums up one’s duty in life: “Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.”

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Quote Origin: The Middle of the Road is Where the White Line Is—and That’s the Worst Place To Drive

Robert Frost? Margaret Thatcher? Dwight D. Eisenhower? Aneurin Bevan? Franklin P. Jones? I. P. Reynolds? Eric Nicol? John M. Ashbrook? William Penn Patrick? Sydney Harris? Alan Craig Loughrige? Jim Hightower? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: Social relationships and political decisions often entail compromise. Yet, these intermediary policies, i.e., middle-of-the-road positions, frequently engender hostility. Here is a pertinent adage:

The middle of the road is where the white line is—and that’s the worst place to drive.

Prominent U.S. poet Robert Frost has received credit for this remark. Lines between lanes in the U.S. may be white or yellow. Cogent comments on this topic have been attributed to U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower and U.K. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Would you please explore statements of this type?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Robert Frost appeared on a television show broadcast by educational television station WQED in 1956. The magazine “Collier’s” printed a collection of his statements delivered during the show. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:1

ON BEING YOURSELF

People have got to think. Thinking isn’t to agree or disagree. That’s voting.

Somebody said to me the other day, “Are you a middle-of-the-roader?” So I said, “Well, if you want to call me bad names. The middle of the road is where the white line is—and that’s the worst place to drive.”

Below are additional selected citations which fit the theme of middle-of the-road presented in chronological order.

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Every Time I See an Adult on a Bicycle, I No Longer Despair for the Future of the Human Race

H. G. Wells? Robert Silverman? Diane Ackerman? Carie Dann? Heathcote Williams? Ali Smith? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: Apparently, the famous science fiction author H. G. Wells was a bicycle enthusiast. Here are three versions of a remark that has been credited to him:

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

When I see an adult on a bicycle, I have hope for the human race.

When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race.

I fear that this is a misquotation. I have never seen a precise citation for this statement pointing to an essay, book, or speech created by H. G. Wells. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: QI has been unable to find substantive evidence supporting the attribution to H. G. Wells who died in 1946. The earliest close match located by QI appeared in the magazine “Bicycle USA” circa 1988 within a letter sent to the periodical. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:[ref] 1988 February, Bicycle USA, Volume 24, Section: Letters to the Editor, Quote Page 4, League of American Wheelmen, Bicycle USA, Baltimore, Maryland. (Note: QI has not yet verified this citation with scans or hardcopy; data and text are based on a match in Google Books; only snippets are visible; page number and date were extracted from Google Books and may be inaccurate) [/ref]

I encourage you to continue your efforts to make bicycling safer and more pleasant for the millions of bicyclists in North America. “Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race” said H.G. Wells.

Robert Silverman
Montreal, Canada

QI does not know where the letter writer obtained this quotation. The long delay after the death of H. G. Wells greatly diminished the credibility of this citation.

Three different books by H. G. Wells have been suggested as the source of the quotation: “The Wheels of Chance” (1896), “The History of Mr. Polly” (1910), and “The Rights of Man” (1940). QI has explored these books, and the quotation was absent. Details are presented further below.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

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Consistency Is the Last Refuge of the Unimaginative

Oscar Wilde? James McNeill Whistler? Ralph Waldo Emerson? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: Being consistent is important in life. Yet, additional knowledge and experience motivates new thoughts and behaviors. The following adage criticizes the straitjacket of excessive consistency:

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

The famous Irish wit Oscar Wilde has received credit for this saying. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: In 1885 Oscar Wilde published an essay about the prominent painter James McNeill Whistler in “The Pall Mall Gazette” of London. Wilde contended that the philosophy of painting propounded by Whistler was inconsistent with the artworks he was creating. But Wilde was eager to forgive this lapse. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:[ref] 1885 February 28, The Pall Mall Gazette, The Relation of Dress To Art: A Note in Black and White on Mr. Whistler’s Lecture by Mr. Oscar Wilde, Quote Page 4, Column 2, London, England. (British Newspaper Archive) [/ref]

Nor do I feel quite sure that Mr. Whistler has been himself always true to the dogma he seems to lay down, that a painter should only paint the dress of his age, and of his actual surroundings: far be it from me to burden a butterfly with the heavy responsibility of its past: I have always been of opinion that consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative: but have we not all seen, and most of us admired, a picture from his hand of exquisite English girls strolling by an opal sea in the fantastic dresses of Japan? Has not Tite-street been thrilled with the tidings that the models of Chelsea were posing to the master, in peplums, for pastels?

Whatever comes from Mr. Whistler’s brush is far too perfect in its loveliness, to stand, or fall, by any intellectual dogmas on art, even by his own: for Beauty is justified of all her children, and cares nothing for explanations.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

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During My Life I Have Often Had To Eat My Own Words, and I Have Found Them a Wholesome Diet

Winston Churchill? Isabel Vernon? Walter Monckton? John W. Wheeler-Bennett? Katherine Ramsay? Earl of Swinton? Lord Normanbrook? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: According to legend a prominent political figure was planning to reverse a long-held policy, and a colleague disapproved while warning, “You would be required to eat your own words.” The figure replied, “I have often been required to eat my own words, and I find it a very wholesome diet!”

This wordplay has been attributed to Winston Churchill. I am unsure of the precise phrasing, and I haven’t been able to locate a solid citation. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest ascription to Churchill found by QI appeared in the “Bristol Evening Post” of England in 1956. Sir Walter Monckton delivered a speech to the students at Colston School (now called Collegiate School). Boldface added to excerpts by QI:[ref] 1956 June 25, Bristol Evening Post, ‘Form own views,’ Sir Walter urges boys, Quote Page 13, Column 4, Bristol, England. (British Newspaper Archive) [/ref]

Sir Walter urged the boys not just to take other people’s opinions for granted, but to form their own and think straight for themselves—even if they occasionally had to admit they were wrong.

This was not a shameful thing, he said, and cited the instance on which, after Sir Winston Churchill had been taken to task for saying something quite inconsistent with something he had said years before, he commented: “For 40 years, I have found myself eating my own words, and on the whole I find it a very wholesome diet!”

QI has not yet found a direct citation to a speech by Winston Churchill or to a text written by him. Nevertheless, the citation above and other attributions shown below are substantive; hence, QI believes Churchill deserves credit for using this type of quip although he was not the first.

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If They Don’t Give You a Seat at the Table, Bring in a Folding Chair

Shirley Chisholm? Donna Brazile? Barbara Lee? Giovanni Piccolino? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: A politician who advocated for inclusive decision-making used the following metaphorical expression to encourage activists to demand representation:

If they don’t give you a seat at the table, bring in a folding chair.

This saying has been attributed to U.S. Congress member Shirley Chisholm and U.S. political strategist Donna Brazile. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Shirley Chisholm died in January 2005, and shortly afterward “People” magazine published a tribute to her which included a remark from Donna Brazile who credited Chisholm with the expression. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:[ref] 2005 January 17, People, Tribute: Shirley Chisholm 1924-2005, A political trailblazer, she made history as the first black woman in Congress, Quote Page 108, Time Inc., New York. (EBSCO Academic Search Elite) [/ref]

Democratic party activist and longtime friend Donna Brazile still recalls the advice Chisholm once gave her: “She said, ‘If you wait for a man to give you a seat, you’ll never have one! If they don’t give you a seat at the table, bring in a folding chair.’”

The excerpt above contains the earliest match located by QI. This citation provides substantive support for the ascription Shirley Chisholm.

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