If I Had Known I Was Going To Live So Long, I’d Have Taken Better Care of Myself

Eubie Blake? Erma Bombeck? Mickey Mantle? Adolph Zukor? Billy Noonan? Robert Henley? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: Looking back on one’s younger years it is natural to experience some regrets. The following comment has a humorous edge: If I’d known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. This …

I Don’t Want To Elect Anyone Stupid Enough To Want the Job

Erma Bombeck? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: The age of social media has exacerbated political antagonisms. A sardonic comedian once claimed that no person foolish enough to run for a high political office could be worthy of a vote. I hope high-quality candidates ignore this facetious viewpoint, but it is difficult to discount. Would you please …

There Is Nothing Sadder in This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning and Not Be a Child

Erma Bombeck? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: The popular humorist Erma Bombeck once wrote about the melancholy feelings of some Christmas celebrants when they leave childhood behind. Would you please help me to find a citation? Quote Investigator: In 1967 Erma Bombeck wrote the following in her syndicated column, Emphasis added to excerpts:[1]1967 December 22, Courier-Post, …

Men Who Have a Thirty-Six-Televised-Football-Games-a-Week-Habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead and Their Estates Probated

Erma Bombeck? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: Television is filled with athletic events during the winter holiday season. A hypnotized sports addict could stare at the tube for hours on end. A caustic remark about this behavior was apparently crafted by the humorist Erma Bombeck: Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should …

Never Go To a Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died

Erma Bombeck? Paul Dickson? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: Recently, while sitting in the waiting room of a medical office I noticed that the potted plants were in dire condition. This was a bad omen, and I vaguely recall a joke about this situation. Can you help? Quote Investigator: The humorist Erma Bombeck wrote a widely …

The Most Beautiful Word in the English Language Is Benign

Erma Bombeck? Woody Allen? L. M. Boyd? Mark Hatfield? David B. Whitlock? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: If you or a loved one has faced cancer then the following assertion would be understandable: The most beautiful word in the English language is ‘benign’. This notion has been attributed to two well-known humorists Erma Bombeck and Woody …

Insanity Is Hereditary. You Can Get It from Your Children

Sam Levenson? Oscar Levant? W. C. Fields? Helen Gorn Sutin? Dave Berg? Ann Landers? Erma Bombeck? Grace Kelly? Dear Quote Investigator: Many parents concur with a very funny quip that reverses the traditional notion of inheritance: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. This joke has been attributed to the newspaper columnist Erma …