The Covers of This Book Are Too Far Apart

Ambrose Bierce? Alan Le May? Jack Benny? Mark Twain? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: The increasing popularity of ebooks is threatening to make one of my favorite quotations obsolete. The wonderful humorist Ambrose Bierce was asked to evaluate a lengthy soporific tome and according to legend he handed in a devastating and hilarious one-line review:

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Did Bierce really write this, and what was the name of the book being evaluated?

Quote Investigator: The earliest evidence located by QI of a version of this quip was printed in 1899. The first citation connecting the joke to Ambrose Bierce was published more than two decades later in 1923. Details for this cite are presented further below. Bierce disappeared in 1913 and his final fate is still mysterious. The linkage of the saying to Bierce is weak because the 1923 claim appeared so late.

In September 1899 the “Logansport Pharos” of Indiana printed a short humor item in which two stock figures named “Author” and “Friend” exchanged remarks. Boldface has been added to excerpts:[ref] 1899 September 28, Logansport Pharos (Logansport Pharos Tribune), An Honest Criticism, Quote Page 6, Column 5, Logansport, Indiana. (NewspaperArchive)[/ref]

An Honest Criticism.

Author—Now I want your honest opinion. Tell me what faults you see in my book.
Friend—Well, for one thing, I think the covers are too far apart.—New York Journal.

The paper listed an acknowledgement to a New York periodical, but it did not provide an attribution. The same comical dialog was published in other newspapers in 1899 such as the “North Adams Transcript” of Massachusetts,[ref] 1899 September 29, North Adams Transcript, An Honest Criticism, Quote Page 6, Column 5, North Adams, Massachusetts. (NewspaperArchive)[/ref] the “Ann Arbor Daily Argus” of Michigan,[ref] 1899 October 11, Ann Arbor Daily Argus, An Honest Criticism, Quote Page 8, Column 5, Ann Arbor, Michigan. (GenealogyBank)[/ref] the “Biloxi Daily Herald” of Mississippi,[ref] 1899 November 14, Biloxi Daily Herald (Daily Herald), An Honest Criticism, Quote Page 6, Column 5, Biloxi, Mississippi. (GenealogyBank)[/ref] and the “Duluth Evening Herald” of Minnesota which acknowledged the “San Francisco Examiner” of California.[ref] 1899 November 9, Duluth Evening Herald, Autumn Zephyrs, Quote Page 4, Column 3, Duluth, Minnesota. (Old Fulton)[/ref]

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “The Covers of This Book Are Too Far Apart”

The Only “Ism” in which Hollywood Believes Is Plagiarism

Dorothy Parker? Apocryphal?

Dear Quote Investigator: From Fascism, Marxism, and Anarchism to Consumerism, Materialism, and Postmodernism the world has been infatuated by and convulsed by “isms”. The famous wit Dorothy Parker reportedly spoke the following line while she was writing screenplays in Hollywood:

The only “ism” Hollywood really believes in is plagiarism.

Did she really say this?

Quote Investigator: The earliest evidence located by QI appeared in the 1941 book “Hollywood: The Movie Colony, The Movie Makers” by Leo C. Rosten. The political stances of individuals in Hollywood have often attracted controversy. Yet, in the past the community was also criticized for being too apolitical or apathetic. Rosten wrote the following of Hollywood in the 1920s and early 1930s. Boldface has been added to excerpts:[ref] 1941 copyright, Hollywood: The Movie Colony, The Movie Makers by Leo C. Rosten, Quote Page 133, Harcourt, Brace and Company, New York. (Facsimile produced on demand in 1973 by University Microfilms, Ann Arbor, Michigan)(Verified on paper in facsimile) [/ref]

The harsher view found Hollywood politically indifferent, innocent, and ignorant, populated by rich children who lolled in an Arcadia of swimming pools and bonbons. The only “ism” in which Hollywood believed, Dorothy Parker remarked, was plagiarism.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “The Only “Ism” in which Hollywood Believes Is Plagiarism”

You Shall Either Die Upon the Gallows or of the Pox

Samuel Foote? 4th Earl of Sandwich? James Quin? John Wilkes? William Gladstone? Benjamin Disraeli?

Dear Quote Investigator: The sharpest and funniest retort I know of was said in response to a harsh insult:

You, sir, will certainly either die upon the gallows or of a social disease.

That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

Can you tell me who spoke these lines?

Quote Investigator: Many versions of this dialog have been presented in books and periodicals over a span of more than two hundred years. In addition, the participants in this verbal thrust and parry have varied in different renditions. Here are five pairs of antagonists that have been proposed:

(1) 4th Earl of Sandwich and Samuel Foote.
(2) A Nobleman and James Quin.
(3) 4th Earl of Sandwich and John Wilkes.
(4) William Ewart Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli.
(5) 4th Earl of Sandwich and Charles James Fox.

The earliest evidence located by QI was published in a London periodical called “The European Magazine” in 1784. A bracing encounter between Lord Sandwich and Samuel Foote was described. Boldface has been added to excerpts below:[ref] 1784 January, The European Magazine: and London Review, Bon Mot of the late Sam. Foote, Quote Page 16, Column 2, Philological Society of London, Printed for John Fielding, London. (Google Books Full View) link [/ref]

Bon Mot of the late Sam. Foote—Sam. was invited to a convivial meeting at the house of the late Sir Francis Blake Delaval. Lord Sandwich was one of the guests upon the same occasion. When the Comedian entered, the Peer exclaimed, “what are you alive still?” “Yes, my Lord,” replied Foote. “Pray Sam,” retorted his Lordship, “which do you think will happen to you first, the experience of a certain disease, or an intimate acquaintance with the gallows?” “Why,” rejoined the Comedian, “that depends upon circumstances, and they are these, whether I prefer embracing your Lordship’s mistress, or, your principles.”

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “You Shall Either Die Upon the Gallows or of the Pox”

I Wish I Was As Sure of Any One Thing As He is of Everything

Lord Melbourne? William Windham? Benjamin Disraeli? Sydney Smith? William Lamb? Thomas B. Macaulay?

Dear Quote Investigator: Each of us has encountered an individual who with highhanded convictions presents an answer to every question. There is a famous witticism aimed at a person of this type:

I only wish that I was as cocksure of any one thing as he is sure of everything.

Do you know who crafted this expression?

Quote Investigator: There are many different versions of this statement which evolved over time. The earliest evidence indicates that William Lamb who was the Second Viscount Melbourne constructed this quip, and he aimed the barb at the prominent historian and politician Thomas Babington Macaulay. The first strong match located by QI was printed in 1851. Boldface has been added:

“I wish,” said he, “that I knew any thing as well as Tom Macaulay knows every thing.”

Details for this cite are given further below.

Here are selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “I Wish I Was As Sure of Any One Thing As He is of Everything”

Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Already Taken

Oscar Wilde? Thomas Merton? Gilbert Perreira? Menards? America Ferrera? Apocryphal? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: I have spent hours trying to determine whether Oscar Wilde wrote the following as commonly claimed:

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

I have not found a single good citation. What do you think?

Quote Investigator: There is no substantive evidence that Oscar Wilde made this remark. It is not listed in “The Wit & Wisdom of Oscar Wilde”, an extensive collection compiled by quotation expert Ralph Keyes.[ref] 1996, The Wit & Wisdom of Oscar Wilde, Edited by Ralph Keyes, HarperCollins Publishers, New York. (Verified on paper)[/ref]

The earliest compelling thematic match known to QI appeared in the literary journal “The Hudson Review” in 1967. The influential spiritual thinker and mystic Thomas Merton published an essay titled “Day of a Stranger” which referred to “being yourself”:[ref] 1967 Summer, The Hudson Review, Volume 20, Number 2, Day of a Stranger by Thomas Merton, Start Page 211, Quote Page 211, Hudson Review, Inc., New York. (JSTOR) link [/ref][ref] 1991, Thomas Merton, Spiritual Master: The Essential Writings by Thomas Merton, Edited by Lawrence Cunningham, Day of a Stranger, Start Page 214, Quote Page 215, Paulist Press, New York. (Google Books Preview)[/ref]

In an age where there is much talk about “being yourself” I reserve to myself the right to forget about being myself, since in any case there is very little chance of my being anybody else. Rather it seems to me that when one is too intent on “being himself” he runs the risk of impersonating a shadow.

Merton humorously stated that there was “very little chance of my being anybody else”, whereas the quotation under examination offered a different comical rationale: “everyone else is already taken”, but the crux was similar. Interestingly, Merton cautioned against self-consciously trying to be oneself.

The “Day of a Stranger” essay was reprinted multiple times in anthologies, journals, and collections. It may have facilitated the later construction of the quotation. Many thanks to adept researcher Bodhipaksa who told QI about this citation.

The first strong match located by QI was disseminated via the Usenet discussion system in December 1999. The words were appended to the end of a message posted to a newsgroup used primarily by residents of the Netherlands. The statement was enclosed in quotation marks signaling that it was already in circulation; also, no attribution was specified:[ref] 1999 December 27, Usenet discussion message, Newsgroups: nl.markt.comp, dds.markt, nl.markt.overig, From: Erick T. Barkhuis @email.com, Subject: Re: comleet systeem, (Google Groups Search; Accessed January 31, 2016) link [/ref]

“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”

Oscar Wilde did write several remarks about identity and appearance that were thematically related to this quotation, but the perspective was different.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Already Taken”

What Did Groucho Marx Do When Someone Switched On a Television?

Groucho Marx? Apocryphal?

Dear Quote Investigator: Groucho Marx became famous on Broadway before moving on to starring roles in Hollywood. His comical skills and adaptability also allowed him to master radio and television. Yet, reportedly one of his sharpest remarks playfully disparaged TV:

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have been unable to confirm this quotation with a solid source. Would you please tell me if these were the words of Groucho?

Quote Investigator: Two distinct versions of this remark appeared in 1950. One version was included in a short essay written by Groucho Marx for the periodical “Tele-Views” which was similar to “TV Guide”. The main purpose of the article was to convince readers to tune in to a new television program to be hosted by Groucho commencing October 1950. The program was a televised adaption of the comedian’s already popular radio quiz show “You Bet Your Life”. The piece “King Leer” was reprinted in the collection “The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for, and about Groucho Marx”:[ref] 2000, The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for, and about Groucho Marx, Selected and edited by Stefan Kanfer, (“King Leer” by Groucho Marx; reprinted from “Tele-Views”; the precise date of appearance is not given), Start Page 207, Quote Page 207, A Vintage Original: Vintage Books, New York. (Verified on paper)[/ref]

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library and read a good book.

That’s a pretty cynical attitude for “the leer”—that’s me, Groucho—and now that I’m a part of television, or “TV” as we say out here on the Coast, I don’t mean a word of it.

The text ended with the following suggestion:

All I can say is this: Walk, don’t run, to your nearest television set in October, tune to KNBH, and join us for our first TV session of You Bet Your Life. I think you’ll like it.

QI has not yet identified the precise issue of “Tele-Views” that contained the essay though the final sentence above clearly indicated that it ran sometime shortly before October 1950. In addition, the book “Groucho Marx and Other Short Stories and Tall Tales” asserted that the piece ran in September:[ref] 1993, Groucho Marx and Other Short Stories and Tall Tales: Selected Writings of Groucho Marx, Edited by Robert S. Bader, Section: Introduction, (Introduction by Robert S. Bader is dated April 1993), Quote Page xxix, Faber and Faber, New York. (Verified with images of 1999 paperback reprint edition of 1993 first edition) (Amazon Look Inside)[/ref]

A September 1950 piece called “King Leer” appeared in television listings around the country to promote the impending debut of the television version of “You Bet Your Life.”

The second version of the quotation was published in the August 1950 issue of the mass-circulation “Reader’s Digest” as a freestanding short item:[ref] 1950 August, Reader’s Digest, Volume 57, (Freestanding quotation), Quote Page 80, The Reader’s Digest Association.(Verified on paper) [/ref]

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book. —Groucho Marx

It is possible that the editors of “Reader’s Digest” had access to a draft of Groucho’s essay in advance, or they may have been sent the quote by a publicist.

Interestingly, the common modern wording of the quotation combined elements of the two early versions above from 1950. Version one used “educational”, and version two used “educating”. Version one referred to “the library”, and version two referred to “the other room”. The modern instance used “educational” and “the other room”.

QI believes that the first version which was written by Groucho has the most support and should be given preference.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “What Did Groucho Marx Do When Someone Switched On a Television?”

People Use Statistics as a Drunk Uses a Lamppost — For Support Rather Than Illumination

Andrew Lang? A. E. Housman? David Ogilvy? Apocryphal? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: Too many people use statistics selectively to provide evidence for only one side of a multi-sided contentious topic. The following saying humorously illustrates this propensity:

Some individuals use statistics as a drunk man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than for illumination.

Do you know who coined this colorful simile?

Quote Investigator: An intriguing precursor of this saying was written in 1903 by A. E. Housman who was a famous poet and classicist. Housman was unhappy with the poor quality of the scholarship of some of his colleagues. He employed an analogy that compared inept critics with drunkards beneath lampposts. In the following passage the abbreviation “MSS” was used for manuscripts. Boldface has been added to excerpts:[ref] 1903, M. Manilii: Astronomicon, Translation and analysis by A. E. Housman (Alfred Edward Housman), Volume 1, Quote Page liii (roman numeral 53), Published by Grant Richards, London. (Google Books Full View) link [/ref]

And critics who treat MS evidence as rational men treat all evidence, and test it by reason and by the knowledge which they have acquired, these are blamed for rashness and capriciousness by gentlemen who use MSS as drunkards use lamp-posts,—not to light them on their way but to dissimulate their instability.”

The phrase “to dissimulate their instability” within the simile above meant to hide a shaky balance for the drunkard and to disguise inadequate reasoning for the scholar. There are several points of similarity between the statement above and the saying under investigation. Yet, Housman did refer to manuscripts instead of statistics.

The earliest close match located by QI was published in January 1937, and the words were attributed to Andrew Lang who was a Scottish novelist and folklorist who died years earlier in 1912. Indeed, Lang has usually been given credit for this remark about statistics. The memoir “Lancer at Large” by Francis Yeats-Brown was published in the first month of 1937, and the Lang ascription was printed in a footnote:[ref] 1937, Lancer at Large by Francis Yeats-Brown, Quote Page 9, The Viking Press, New York. (Verified with scans of second printing in January 1937; the publication date is also listed as January 1937)[/ref]

I shall try not to use statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts, for support rather than for illumination; [Footnote 1] and I shall try not to let my pen stray too far from the tethers of sanity of things seen…

[Footnote 1] Andrew Lang’s agreeable analogy.

An earlier work by Yeats-Brown titled “The Lives of a Bengal Lancer” had catapulted the memoirist to fame. It was not certain that the “Andrew Lang” mentioned by Yeats-Brown corresponded to the well-known folklorist, but no alternative Lang’s have been put forward, and the name “Lang” occurred only once in the text.

Another book containing the saying was released in 1937 though the precise month of publication was uncertain. The preface of “The Silent Social Revolution: An Account of the Expansion of Public Education in England and Wales 1895-1935” by G. A. N. Lowndes included an instance which was credited to Lang and extravagantly labeled immortal:[ref] 1937, The Silent Social Revolution: An Account of the Expansion of Public Education in England and Wales 1895-1935 by G. A. N. Lowndes, Section: Preface, Quote Page vi, Oxford University Press, Humphrey Milford: Publisher to the University, London. (Internet Archive) link [/ref]

For blue books are particularly prone to use their statistics not as a living record of social progress but (to quote a deservedly immortal phrase of Andrew Lang) ‘as a drunken man uses lamp-posts–for support rather than for illumination’.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “People Use Statistics as a Drunk Uses a Lamppost — For Support Rather Than Illumination”

History Does Not Repeat Itself, But It Rhymes

Mark Twain? Theodor Reik? John Robert Colombo? James Eayrs? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: There is a popular humorous maxim about history that is usually attributed to Mark Twain. But there is so much uncertainty about this ascription that a top business columnist for the “New York Times” wrote the following:[ref] 2011 June 19, New York Times, Section: Money and Business/Financial Desk, Funny, but I’ve Heard This Market Song Before by Jeff Sommer, Quote Page BU.5, New York. (ProQuest)[/ref]

“History doesn’t repeat itself but it often rhymes,” as Mark Twain is often reputed to have said. (I’ve found no compelling evidence that he ever uttered that nifty aphorism. No matter — the line is too good to resist.)

Would you please research the provenance of this adage?

Quote Investigator: There is no substantive evidence that Twain who died in 1910 made this remark. Twain first received credit many years later in 1970, and details for this linkage are shown further below.

The earliest strong match known to QI appeared in 1965 within an essay by psychoanalyst Theodor Reik titled “The Unreachables”. The phrasing was a bit longer, but the meaning was the same. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:[ref] 1965, Curiosities of the Self: Illusions We Have about Ourselves by Theodor Reik, Essay 3: The Unreachables: The Repetition Compulsion in Jewish History, Quote Page 133, Farrar, Straus & Giroux, New York. (Verified with scans) [/ref]

There are recurring cycles, ups and downs, but the course of events is essentially the same, with small variations. It has been said that history repeats itself. This is perhaps not quite correct; it merely rhymes.

Based on the citation above, QI tentatively credits Theodor Reik with formulating this saying.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “History Does Not Repeat Itself, But It Rhymes”

The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity

Harlan Ellison? Frank Zappa? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: There is a popular quotation that expresses the following idea:

Hydrogen and stupidity are the two most abundant materials in the universe

This notion can be expressed in many different ways. One version has been credited to the SF writer Harlan Ellison, and another version has been ascribed to the musician Frank Zappa. Would you please examine the provenance of this statement?

Quote Investigator: This saying is highly mutable and difficult to trace. The earliest evidence located by QI appeared in the 1985 volume “An Edge in My Voice” by Harlan Ellison which primarily consisted of a set of columns written between 1980 and 1984. Ellison also updated the content by adding introductory remarks for each column under the section title “Interim Memo”. The following passage was from one of these supplementary introductions. Boldface has been added to excerpts:[ref] 1985, An Edge in My Voice by Harlan Ellison, (Collection of columns that originally appeared in Future Life, the L.A. Weekly and The Comics Journal), Installment 8: Interim Memo, (Introduction written for the book to a column that appeared in April 1981), Published by The Donning Company, Norfolk, Virginia. (Verified with scans)[/ref]

At a lecture I gave in Grand Forks, North Dakota in March of this year, someone asked me how do we finally knock the fools and obscurantists and believers in craziness out of the box once and for all. I told the woman that we can’t. Apart from hydrogen, the most common thing in the universe is stupidity.

In July 1986 a syndicated puzzle feature called “Celebrity Cipher” was printed in multiple newspapers. The solution to the cipher was a statement labeled “Zappa’s Canon”, i.e., it was a saying credited to Frank Zappa:[ref] 1986 July 15, Cumberland Evening Times, Celebrity Cipher by Connie Wiener, Quote Page 19, Column 2, Cumberland, Maryland. (NewspaperArchive)[/ref][ref] 1986 July 15, The Journal-Register, Celebrity Cipher by Connie Wiener, Quote Page 8, Column 1, Medina, New York. (Old Fulton)[/ref]

PREVIOUS SOLUTION: “There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.” — Zappa’s Canon.

In February 1987 a column about books in “Omni” magazine printed a quotation credited to Ellison:[ref] 1987 February, Omni magazine, Books: The Real Fahrenheit 451 by Marion Long, Quote Page 22, Omni Publications International, New York. (Verified with scans)[/ref]

Harlan Ellison: These would-be censors are monsters. And they will always be with us because the two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity”

A Verbal Contract Isn’t Worth the Paper It’s Written On

Samuel Goldwyn? Bryan O’Loghlen? Boyle Roche? Ed Wynn? Anonymous?

Dear Quote Investigator: A contract that is written and signed is easier to comprehend and enforce. But many people rely on unwritten promises. The following cautionary humorous remark is attributed to the famous movie producer Samuel Goldwyn:

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Similar expressions replace “verbal” with “oral”. Also, some instances use “agreement” instead of “contract”. Here is an example:

An oral agreement isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Is this an authentic Goldwynism?

Quote Investigator: The use of the word “verbal” in this quotation may be confusing to some readers. Strictly speaking a “verbal contract” would simply be a contract expressed in words, but the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) recorded another common meaning for “verbal”:

Verbal adj. Sense 4 a: Expressed or conveyed by speech instead of writing; stated or delivered by word of mouth; oral.

The OED presented a first citation dated 1617 indicating that this sense has been present in English for a very long time.

In 1937 the short biography “The Great Goldwyn” attributed this saying to Samuel Goldwyn, and in 1956 a denial from Goldwyn was printed. These two citations are detailed further below. Interestingly, the quip was already in circulation decades before the 1937 volume was published.

In June 1890 “The Irish Law Times and Solicitors’ Journal” printed an instance of the joke ascribed to an Australian/Irish politician named Bryan O’Loghlen. Boldface has been added to excerpts:[ref] 1890 June 14, The Irish Law Times and Solicitors’ Journal, (Untitled short note), Quote Page 320, Column 1, John Falconer, Dublin, Ireland. (Google Books full view) link [/ref]

In the adjoining colony of Victoria, Sir Bryan O’Loghlen, M.P., who has a national right to indulge in this sort of thing, gravely told the Supreme Court that “a verbal agreement is not worth the paper it’s written on.”

In September 1890 the “Rocky Mountain News” of Denver, Colorado published a version of the quip credited to “Pat”. The archetypal name and dialectical speech signaled that the speaker was Irish. In the following passage “indade” was “indeed”, “wid” was “with”, and “razon” was “reason”. The periodical “Texas Siftings” was acknowledged:[ref] 1890 September 12, Rocky Mountain News, Random Selections, Quote Page 5, Column 4, Denver, Colorado. (GenealogyBank)[/ref]

It was verbal: Lawyer—Have you got a verbal contract with him? Pat:—Indade I have, but I didn’t bring it wid me, for the razon that I don’t believe it’s worth the paper it’s written on.—Texas Siftings.

The text immediately above was reprinted in other newspapers. For example, in 1893 it appeared in a section called “Smiles” of the “Northern Christian Advocate” newspaper of Syracuse, New York.[ref] 1893 December 6, Northern Christian Advocate, Smiles, Quote Page 7, Column 3, Syracuse, New York. (GenealogyBank)[/ref]

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Continue reading “A Verbal Contract Isn’t Worth the Paper It’s Written On”

Exit mobile version