Mark Twain? Clarence Darrow? Overland Monthly? Anonymous?
Question for Quote Investigator: I saw the quotation below when it was tweeted a few days ago. It was credited to Mark Twain, but apparently he never said it:
I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.
Later I read news reports claiming that the famous lawyer Clarence Darrow said something similar. Could you explore this topic?
Reply from Quote Investigator: Clarence Darrow did deliver a similar quip on several occasions. The earliest instance located by QI occurred during a speech in 1922. He also spoke a version during congressional testimony in 1926. The remark was popular, and he included another version in his autobiography “The Story of My Life” in 1932.
In 1922 Darrow addressed the “Illinois Conference on Public Welfare” with a speech simply titled “Crime”. He described candidly his feelings about reading obituaries, but the prolixity of his remark reduced its wittiness. In later versions Darrow presented more concise statements:1
One reason why we don’t kill is because we are not used to it. I never killed anybody, but I have done just the same thing. I have had a great deal of satisfaction over many obituary notices that I have read. I never got into the habit of killing. I could mention the names of many that it would please me if I could read their obituaries in the paper in the morning.
In Darrow’s 1932 memoir he wrote a short version that decades later would be suitable for tweeting:2
I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.
Frank Lloyd Wright? Herbert Hoover? Arch Oboler? Apocryphal?
Question for Quote Investigator: When I was a child I saw a gallery of images showing a house built at the top of a waterfall. I fell in love with that house, called Fallingwater, and later learned that it was built by the extraordinary American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. The amusing quote I would like you to investigate was listed in a biographical sketch that I read many years ago and still remember:
The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Does this accurately depict Wright’s sense of humor or was it invented by someone else?
Reply from Quote Investigator: I agree that Fallingwater is a beautiful home. The quote you provide is very similar to a statement made by Wright in a lecture published in 1931. The address was titled “To the Young Man in Architecture” and near the end of the discourse Wright presented a series of fourteen pithy numbered points. Here are three:1
9. Abandon as poison the American idea of the “quick turnover.” To get into practice “half-baked” is to sell out your birthright as an architect for a mess of pottage, or to die pretending to be an architect.
10. Take time to prepare. Ten years’ preparation for preliminaries to architectural practice is little enough for any architect who would rise “above the belt” in true architectural appreciation or practice.
11. Then go as far away as possible from home to build your first buildings. The physician can bury his mistakes,—but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Wright used the term “physician” instead of “doctor” in this original version. The quotation was further disseminated when an excerpt from the lecture was reprinted in the periodical “The Architect and Engineer” in November of 1931. Wright enjoyed the joke and used it multiple times over the years.2
Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.
Dorothy Parker? James Webb Young? Owen H. Hott? Anonymous?
Question for Quote Investigator: A friend and I recently wondered about the origin of the following poem. We did not have much luck tracking it:
See the happy moron,
He doesn’t give a damn,
I wish I were a moron,
My God! perhaps I am!
There is a web page crediting Dorothy Parker. Do you think that ascription is accurate?
Reply from Quote Investigator: This quatrain has had an oddly eventful history. It has appeared in some of the most prestigious reference works in the English language, e.g., The Oxford English Dictionary (OED), Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, and the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations. In the OED the verse was originally used to help explicate the word “moron”, but it was subsequently removed by an unsympathetic editor. The poem was re-inserted by a third editorial action as an example for the word “damn”, and that is where it is found today.
The earliest citation located by QI occurred in an April 1927 speech at a meeting of college Alumni Secretaries. Morse A. Cartwright, Director of the American Association for Adult Education, read the poem without attribution during a talk given to fellow convention attendees:1
There is a little poem I saw recently which I should like to recite to you. It goes as follows:
“Oh, see the happy moron;
He doesn’t give a damn.
I wish I were a moron;
Indeed, perhaps I am.”
In November of 1927 the poem was repeated at a gathering of the Ohio Newspaper Women’s Association as reported in the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper.2 Again, no attribution was given. In 1928 the verse was printed in a Decatur, Illinois newspaper without ascription.3
In March of 1929 a question about the poem was sent to the “Queries and Answers” columnist of the New York Times:4
M. S. H.–Desired, the poem written by Dorothy Parker which begins somewhat at follows: “I wish I were a moron” … and ends, “My God, perhaps I am!”
This is the first time, known to QI, that a name was attached to the poem. In April of 1929 an answer from a reader was published in the “Queries and Answers” column that supplied a full version of the quatrain, and the attribution to Parker was not challenged by the newspaper.5 However, no evidence was provided that Parker actually composed or published the verse, and QI has not found it in her writings. Parker did craft a 1922 poem that used the word “moron” to refer to a character described as the “gladdest of the glad”, but the eighteen line work was rather different in tone and intent.
Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.
Question for Quote Investigator: I have heard the following quote attributed to Mark Twain:
A man who doesn’t smoke is like a sinking ship with no rats to desert it.
I am skeptical. Would you please explore the provenance of this expression?
Reply from Quote Investigator:QI has been unable to locate a close match for that quotation in the works of Mark Twain; however, QI did find an anecdote about a woman who did not smoke, drink, or swear. The woman was ill, and Twain employed a simile that compared her plight to that of a sinking vessel without any freight to throw overboard. This episode was presented in the 1897 travel book “Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World”, and it may have been transmuted over time to yield the questioner’s quotation.
Here is Mark Twain’s description of the woman’s plight:1
She had run down and down and down, and had at last reached a point where medicines no longer had any helpful effect upon her. I said I knew I could put her upon her feet in a week. It brightened her up, it filled her with hope, and she said she would do everything I told her to do. So I said she must stop swearing and drinking, and smoking and eating for four days, and then she would be all right again.
Twain explained his simile which compared the woman to a sinking vessel. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:
And it would have happened just so, I know it; but she said she could not stop swearing, and smoking and drinking, because she had never done those things. So there it was. She had neglected her habits, and hadn’t any. Now that they would have come good, there were none in stock. She had nothing to fall back on. She was a sinking vessel, with no freight in her to throw overboard and lighten ship withal.
Why, even one or two little bad habits could have saved her, but she was just a moral pauper.
Modern retellings of tale often change the phrasing. For example, “sinking vessel” might be changed to “sinking ship” or “foundering ship”. Also, “freight” to throw overboard might be changed to “ballast”. Here is a variant in a 2001 guide for bicycle travelers:2
Mark Twain once wrote about a lady whose health was failing and who had no bad habits like drinking or smoking to give up. There she was, quipped Twain, a foundering ship with no ballast to throw overboard to lighten the load.
In 2008 a book of medical advice presented a version in which a doctor character was added to the tale:3
Mark Twain tells of a doctor at the bedside of a very sick, elderly lady. The doctor told her that she must stop drinking, cussing, and smoking. The lady said that she’d never done any of those things in her entire life. The doctor responded, “Well, that’s your problem, then. You’ve neglected your habits.” Twain added: “She was like a sinking ship with no freight to throw overboard.”
The picture further below is from the 1897 edition of “Following the Equator” , and it illustrates the story immediately following the one discussed above. Twain is trying to reduce his smoking habit, and he pledges to himself that he will smoke only one cigar per day. This causes him to hunt for larger and larger cigars:4
Within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions that I could have used it as a crutch. It now seemed to me that a one-cigar limit was no real protection to a person, so I knocked my pledge on the head and resumed my liberty.
In conclusion, Twain did tell a humorous tale comparing a non-smoker to a sinking vessel. This is the best match QI could locate, and perhaps your quotation was derived from this story. QI appreciates your challenging question.
Acknowledgement: Many thanks to Howard Newell whose query provided the motivation for the performance of this investigation.
Update History: On March 7, 2025 the format of the bibliographical notes was updated.
1897, Following the Equator: a Journey Around the World by Mark Twain, Pages 31-33, The American Publishing Company, Hartford, Connecticut. (Google Books full view) link↩︎
2001 (Copyright 1994), The Essential Touring Cyclist by Richard A. Lovett, 2nd Edition, Page 53, Column 2, Ragged Mountain Press, Camden, Maine (McGraw-Hill Company, Blacklick, Ohio) (Google Books preview) link↩︎
2008 (Copyright 2005), “Fire Your Doctor!: How to Be Independently Healthy” by Andrew W. Saul, Page 53, Read How You Want, Accessible Publishing Systems, (Basic Health Publications, Inc., Laguna Beach, California). (Google Books preview) link↩︎
1897, Following the Equator: a Journey Around the World by Mark Twain, Pages 31-33, The American Publishing Company, Hartford, Connecticut. (Google Books full view) link↩︎
Who was fighting? Russians? French? Zulus? English? Prussians? Boers?
Question for Quote Investigator: When I worked on a student newspaper in college I was told a story about a late night editor at a major newspaper who received a terse wire report saying the “Russians Have Taken Umbrage”. The editor did not know the meaning of this phrase, and his attempt to locate “Umbrage” on a map failed. However, he was certain that this was a significant news item. The next day the paper bannered something like:
Umbrage Captured; Defenders Retreat in Disarray
I have never seen a copy of the actual news article, but the time period was World War II. Is this a newspaperman’s legend, or is there some truth in this anecdote?
Reply from Quote Investigator: First, to understand this humorous tale it is helpful to know that “to take umbrage” means “to take offense” or “to be displeased”.
Jokes based on misunderstanding “umbrage” in a military context stretch far back in time. QI has located a variant that uses this form of wordplay in “The Town and Country Magazine” in 1782. The setting of this jape is “During the war between France and England in the last reign.” The following narrative describes the experiences of a newspaper reader who is initially made unhappy by what he reads. In the text the word “Damn” is represented by “D—n”:1
Coming to a paragraph which informed him that the French had taken umbrage, he removed his spectacles from his nose with unusual precipitation, and exclaimed, with an eagerness which evidently proceeded from the strength of his feelings, though it was at the expence of his understanding–“D–n these fellows, they will have every town they come to if they go on at this here rate.”
When he had vented his indignation at the taking umbrage, he resumed his paper, and finding, soon afterwards, in another page that the English had taken cognizance, his face brightened up amazingly; looking round the room with an air of satisfaction he said, “Aye, aye, this is something like; now we are even with the powder-puffs; aye, aye, tis’ high time to put a spoke into Mounsheer’s wheels.”
“To take cognizance” means “to take notice” or “to acknowledge”. “Mounsheer” is a deliberate misspelling of the French word “Monsieur” which is a courtesy title equivalent to the English ‘Mr.’ The passage appears in a section called “Letters to the Delineator’ and the letter writer is named Samuel Snug.
Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.
Question for Quote Investigator: You might enjoy looking into this confusing question. I have been searching newspaper databases for a project involving the Venice canals. The following humorous note appeared in a newspaper called the Miami News on October 30, 1958:1
Word comes from European traveler, Mattie (Mrs. George) Barwick who is abroad with Mrs. William H. Walker, Jr.
Says she. “Just arrived in Venice. Find all streets flooded. Please advise.”
I recognized this as a restatement of a memorable joke telegram sent by Robert Benchley. Nowadays with the water problems in Venice the quip is less amusing.
I checked some quotation references to find out when Benchley came up with this clever comment. My puzzlement stems from the fact that Benchley is first credited with the joke in 1968, and this is ten years after the Miami News article. Benchley died in 1945. Do you think he is being given credit for something he never said?
Reply from Quote Investigator: A version of this message is attributed to Benchley in the Yale Book of Quotations,2 the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations,3 the Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotations4 and many other references. The YBQ contains the best citation information, and it refers to the 1968 book “The Algonquin Wits” edited by Robert E. Drennan:5
On a summer vacation trip Benchley arrived in Venice and immediately wired a friend:
“STREETS FLOODED. PLEASE ADVISE.”
QI has located a version of the anecdote and the telegram text under the title “Bulletin from Benchley” in the October 1958 issue of The Reader’s Digest, and this should help to resolve the riddle:6
David Niven tells about the time he and Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., planned a European itinerary for humorist Robert Benchley: “I made arrangements for him to visit some friends of mine in Venice. The day Benchley got there he sent us a cable which read:
STREETS FULL OF WATER. ADVISE.
—As told to Dean Jennings in The Saturday Evening Post
The Reader’s Digest was typically released before the date on its cover, and the issue of the Saturday Evening Post containing the words attributed to Benchley must have been available before that time. Hence the joke was widely disseminated before it appeared in the Miami News at the end of October in 1958.
Here are some additional select citations in chronological order.
Question for Quote Investigator: There is a wonderful story about Groucho Marx and an elite private club. I have heard so many variants of this tale that I was hoping you would investigate. In one version Groucho resigns from a club, and in another version he refuses to join a club. He sends a telegram or a letter saying something like the following:
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
The club is called: The Friars Club of Beverly Hills, The Delaney Club, The Lambs Club, The Beverly Hills Tennis Club, or The Hillcrest Country Club. What do you think?
Reply from Quote Investigator: Evidence shows that Groucho Marx crafted a magnificently humorous line that has become a comedy classic. However, the same evidence does not reveal the exact wording of his comical gem or the precise circumstances of its employment. Yet, there is some agreement; for example, sources concur that Groucho was resigning from a club, and he was not refusing to join one.
On October 20, 1949 the Hollywood columnist Erskine Johnson published the tale. This is the earliest instance located by QI:1
Groucho Marx’s letter of resignation to the Friars’ Club: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
On October 13, 1951 the only son of Groucho, Arthur Marx, published a version of the anecdote in Collier’s Magazine. This is the earliest variant by a close family member with intimate knowledge of Groucho. Over the years Arthur Marx recounted different narratives of this episode, and some will be presented further below. In 1951 he said that Groucho joined the Friars Club at the insistence of friends, but he did not participate. So Groucho sent a letter of resignation:2
In the next mail, he received a letter from the club’s president, wanting to know why he had resigned. My father promptly wrote back, “Because I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member!”
In 1959 Groucho himself told about resigning a club in his memoir “Groucho and Me”, but he presented a fictionalized version of the story in which the club was referred to as the Delaney Club:3
The following morning I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
In 1988 Groucho’s son wrote another description of the resignation in his book “My Life with Groucho: A Son’s Eye View”. In this version Groucho resigned from the Hillcrest Country Club and not the Friars Club or the Delaney Club.4
Dear Board, I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Sincerely yours, Groucho Marx.
These four variants of the tale are the most salient in QI’s opinion, but several more are available. No one seems to know the exact wording of the resignation message which is endlessly mutable.
Here are selected citations in chronological order.
Albert Einstein? Associated Press? Time magazine? Apocryphal?
Question for Quote Investigator: You recently discussed one quotation by Albert Einstein about taxes, but my question is about another remark attributed to the genius. The Canadian newspaper “Globe and Mail” published the following earlier this year:1
Albert Einstein said of his tax return, “This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher.”
Is this information accurate?
Reply from Quote Investigator: There is evidence that Einstein spoke this; however, the precise wording in the original differs. The following text appeared in an Associated Press article in the New York Times titled “Tax Form Baffles Even Prof. Einstein” dated March 11, 1944:2
Asked what his reaction was to the maze of income tax questions, Professor Einstein, whose theory of relativity is supposedly understood by only seven persons in the world, replied:
“This is a question too difficult for a mathematician. It should be asked of a philosopher.”
The byline stated the location was Princeton, New Jersey, and Einstein did work at the Institute for Advanced Study of Princeton University in 1944. The AP wire story was widely distributed; for example, on the same day the quotation was printed in the Los Angeles Times3 and the Christian Science Monitor.4
Who Said It?: Samuel Goldwyn? Robert Benchley? Gracie Allen? Alva Johnston? Anonymous?
Who or What Was Caustic?: The Little Foxes? Jim Tully? An Unnamed Actor? Mr. Rosenblatt? An Unnamed Script? An Unnamed Writer? Sidney Howard? Moss Hart?
Question for Quote Investigator: An entertaining legend about the powerful movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn has been amusing people for decades. “The Little Foxes” was a major Broadway hit in 1939 and Goldwyn was considering purchasing the rights to create a film based on the story. He asked his top advisor to see the play and report to him. Here is what the aide supposedly told Goldwyn together with his reply:
“Sam, it’s a great drama, but it might be a little too caustic.” “I don’t care what it costs, I want it.”
This is my favorite anecdote about Goldwyn, and it is supported by the fact that he did buy the rights and made a classic movie starring Bette Davis. Could you research this quotation?
Reply from Quote Investigator: Thanks for sending in this fun story. Unfortunately, there is a problem with the timeline that makes this tale unlikely. In January 1930 the widely-syndicated columnist Walter Winchell reported a version of the joke based on the misconstrual of the word “caustic” that was being disseminated by the popular humorist and actor Robert Benchley. Thus, the core joke was in circulation about nine years before the premiere of “The Little Foxes”.
The tale centered on two movie magnates who began their careers in the garment business. This biographical detail matched Samuel Goldwyn who was a glove salesman before moving to Hollywood. The maladroit line was spoken by one of the magnates. Boldface has been added to excerpts:1
They were in conference trying to save a new picture that lacked, what critics usually call, “a wallop.” “If we could only get someone to fix it up,” said one. “Why don’t you get Jim Tully?” suggested an executive. “Jim Tully is too caustic!” “Oh,” thundered one of the magnates, “the hell with the cost, get him!”
The writer Robert Benchley constructed many humorous stories, and it was possible that he simply invented this anecdote to entertain friends. Alternatively, he may have been present at a meeting when the line was spoken. Special thanks to ace researcher Bill Mullins who located the citation given above.
Here are some additional citations in chronological order.
Question for Quote Investigator: Dorothy Parker was at a party where guests were challenging one another to complete poems based on a few starting lines, or so the story goes. Parker was given the following two lines:
Higgledy Piggledy, my white hen;
She lays eggs for gentlemen.
After a moment to gather her thoughts she finished the verse with the following lines:
You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat
To come across for the proletariat.
I thought Parker’s lines were hilarious when I was told this story. But I have never been able to find any details about this anecdote. When and where did this party take place? Who challenged Parker? Could you explore this tale and quotation?
Reply from Quote Investigator: The lines of poetry that you give are accurate, but the surrounding anecdote is not quite correct. The story first appeared, QI believes, in the introduction written by W. Somerset Maugham to the 1944 edition of “The Viking Portable Library: Dorothy Parker”.1 Maugham described attending a Hollywood dinner party at the invitation of Miss Fanny Brice. Other guests included the writers Aldous Huxley and Dorothy Parker. During the course of the party Maugham and Parker were seated together, and after some discussion on miscellaneous topics Maugham ventured a request:
“Why don’t you write a poem for me?” “I will if you like,” she replied. “Give me a pencil and a piece of paper.”
Maugham did not have either, so he requested both from their waiter who was “gone a long time” on the errand. At last he returned with paper and a blunt pencil:
Dorothy Parker took it and wrote:
Higgledy Piggledy, my white hen; She lays eggs for gentlemen.
“Yes, I’ve always liked those lines,” I said. She gave a thin, cool smile and without an instant’s hesitation, added:
You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat To come across for the proletariat.
With this brilliant rhyme she gathered Higgledy Piggledy into the august company of Jove’s Eagle, Sindbad the Sailor’s Roc, the Capitoline Geese, Boccaccio’s Falcon, Shelley’s Skylark, and Poe’s Raven.
In Maugham’s anecdote Parker was not challenged with a pair of lines and told to create a quatrain; instead, she supplied the entire set of lines.
Here are a small number of additional citations in chronological order.
