Quote Investigator® – Tracing Quotations

Quote Origin: If All Those Present Were Laid End to End, I Wouldn’t Be at All Surprised

Dorothy Parker? Lillian Day? Alexander Woollcott? Apocryphal?

**Picture of a fallen sequence of dominoes from Unsplash**

Question for Quote Investigator: U.S. poet, critic, and fiction writer Dorothy Parker was famous for her witticisms. When discussing a prom, she said something like the following:

If all the young women who attended were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

Would you please explore the provenance of this expression?

Reply from Quote Investigator: This quip was based on a popular family of expressions that were designed to help readers envision enormous quantities of items by placing them end to end and describing the resultant length. For example, in 1843 a newspaper in Liverpool England proudly described the massive number of pages produced by their printing press. Boldface added by QI:¹

One day last month the steam-presses of the Liverpool Mercury threw off so many impressions of that paper, that if all the printed columns were laid end to end without any intervening space, they would reach over hill and dale, through town and country, the whole distance from Liverpool to London.

Below is an overview showing humorous variant statements with dates and source data:

1927 Aug: If all the college boys who slept in class were placed end to end they would be much more comfortable (“Judge” magazine acknowledged the “Cornell Widow”)

1927 Dec: If all the people who stay out most of the night were laid end to end they wouldn’t get up until noon.(“Judge” magazine)

1931: If all Ruby’s lovers were laid end to end, it would put them in a very awkward position. (Advertisement in “The Publisher’s Weekly” for a book by Lillian Day)

1934: Wholesale libel on a Yale prom. If all the girls attending it were laid end to end she wouldn’t be at all surprised. (Alexander Woollcott credited Dorothy Parker)

1945: If all the girls who attended the Yale Prom this year were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. (Samuel Hopkins Adams credited Dorothy Parker)

1945 Jul: If all your lovers were laid end to end, I’d be very much pleased. (“The New Yorker” magazine acknowledged the operetta “Marinka”)

1967: Princeton prom: If all the girls were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised. (Corey Ford credited Dorothy Parker)

1968: If all those sweet young things present were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised. (Robert E. Drennan credited Dorothy Parker)

1974: If all the girls at Smith and Bennington were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised. (Scott Meredith credited Dorothy Parker)

2003: If all the girls attending it were laid end to end … I wouldn’t be at all surprised. (Dominique Enright credited Dorothy Parker)

Here are selected detailed citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Economics Is the Only Field in Which Two People Can Get a Nobel Prize for Saying Exactly the Opposite Thing

Roberto Alazar? Pasi Kuoppamaki? Richard M. Scammon? Ben Wattenberg? John Kenneth Galbraith? Anonymous?

**A graph showing lines heading downward and upward from Pixabay**

Question for Quote Investigator: Economics is a complex and contentious discipline. Sharp disagreements between economists inspired the following quip:

Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things.

Would you please help me to trace this expression?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest close match found by QI appeared in a message posted to the Usenet newsgroup sci.econ in May 1995. No attribution was given for the quip; hence, the creator remains anonymous. The message contained fourteen miscellaneous jokes about economics. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹

Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.

Finnish economist Pasi Kuoppamaki replied to this Usenet message by stating that the jokes had been copied from a webpage of economics jokes which he maintained at the website of ETLA – Elinkeinoelämän tutkimuslaitos (Finnish Institute of Business Research). Currently, the webpage does not exist. Kuoppamaki gave this description:²

The collection is a result of contributions from many people round the world (though mostly US) to whom I owe a big thanks.

In November 1995 the “San Francisco Chronicle” of California published a story discussing the webpage of economics jokes maintained by Kuoppamaki. The article reprinted the quip without attribution:³

“Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.”

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Courage Is What It Takes To Stand Up and Speak; It Is Also What It Takes To Sit Down and Listen

Winston Churchill? William Arthur Ward? Googey Bince? Carl Hermann Voss? George W. Norris? Anonymous?

**Illustration of two individuals sitting and listening from Unsplash**

Question for Quote Investigator: It takes courage to stand up and speak, but it also takes courage to sit down and listen. This notion has been attributed to U.K statesman Winston Churchill, but I have never seen a solid citation, and I am skeptical. Would you please help me to trace this saying.

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match found by QI appeared in 1964 within “Quote: The Weekly Digest”. The statement was credited to U.S. motivational author William Arthur Ward who crafted many affirmational sayings. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; it is also what it takes, on occasion, to sit down and listen.
—William A. Ward, Texas Wesleyan College, Meadowbrook (Tex) Herald, 7-30-64.

William Arthur Ward is the most likely creator of this saying.

Winston Churchill died in 1965. He received credit for the saying by 1976, but the attribution was unsupported. Also, the website of the International Churchill Society lists an instance and indicates that it is not an authentic quotation from the statesman:²

Courage
‘Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.’
This fake quote is very often attributed to Churchill but appears nowhere in the Churchill canon.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

A Committee Is a Gathering of Important People Who, Singly Can Do Nothing, But Together Can Decide That Nothing Can Be Done

Fred Allen? John Florence Sullivan? St. Martin’s Review? Anonymous?

**Picture of a boardroom from Unsplash**

Question for Quote Investigator: Meetings are often ineffective time-wasting exercises. Here are two versions of a popular comical criticism:

(1) A committee is a body of people who individually can do nothing but collectively they may decide that nothing can be done.

(2) A conference is a gathering of important people who, singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

This gag has been attributed to U.S. comedian and radio broadcaster Fred Allen (stage name of John Florence Sullivan). Would you please help me to trace this joke?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match found by QI appeared in October 1934 within the “Evening Sentinel” of Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, England which pointed to “St. Martin’s Review” as the source. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹

From the same Review — A Committee is a gathering of important people who, singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The newspaper did not specify the author; hence, the creator remains anonymous.

Fred Allen employed an instance of this gag in January 1940. Allen used the word “conference” instead of “committee”. Details appear further below.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Adage Origin: The Only Way Out Is Through

Robert Frost? George William Curtis? Arthur Deerin Call? Anonymous?

**Picture of a path through a forest from Unsplash**

Question for Quote Investigator: Everyone encounters difficult problems and arduous tasks. When avoidance is impossible it becomes necessary to face these challenges directly. Here are four versions of a pertinent adage:

(1) The only way out is through.
(2) The best way out is always through.
(3) No way out but through.
(4) The best way out is through.

The U.S. poet Robert Frost has received credit for this notion, but I have not seen a solid citation. Also, I suspect that the saying was used before Frost was born. Would you please explore the provenance of this saying?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The earliest match found by QI appeared in 1870 within an opinion piece about the ongoing Franco-Prussian War published in “Harper’s Weekly” of New York. France had experienced significant defeats on the battlefield, and the author wished that the country would implement major reforms. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹

The old things must utterly pass away if there are to be new things. It is to be hoped that there are men in France who understand that there can be no returning, that the only way out is through, not back. We have yet to see whether there will be a reaction which will only prolong the sorrow of the country, or a resolution which will at last regenerate it.

In 1871 the “Gold Hill Daily News” of Nevada reprinted a large excerpt from the “Harper’s Weekly” article which included the text above. The newspaper indicated that the author of the “Harper’s Weekly” article was essayist and political activist George William Curtis:²

It is to be hoped that there are men in France who understand that there can be no returning, that the only way out is through, not back.

Curtis is the leading candidate for creator of this adage. Robert Frost also used a version of this saying many years later as shown below.

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: I Worry More About the Return OF My Money Than the Return ON My Money

Will Rogers? Eddie Cantor? Benjamin Franklin? Anonymous?

**Stacks of coins which grow in height from Pixabay**

Question for Quote Investigator: Risky investments offer high returns, but the money invested may be completely lost. A family of statements uses wordplay to express a memorable warning. Here are three instances:

(1) I learned to worry about the return of my money instead of the return on my money

(2) I’m not so much interested in the return on my principal as I am in the return of my principal.

(3) I am not as concerned about the return on my investment as about the return of my investment.

The wordplay consists of repeating a template phrase while swapping the prepositions “of” and “on”. This quip has been attributed to U.S. humorist Will Rogers, U.S. comedian Eddie Cantor, and U.S. statesman Benjamin Franklin. Would you please explore the origin of this family of statements?

Reply from Quote Investigator: The phrasing of these statements is highly variable; hence, this family is difficult to trace. The earliest instance of this wordplay found by QI appeared in April 1920 in “The New York Times” within an advertisement for Prudence Bonds from Realty Associates Investment Corporation. The bonds offered 6 percent interest, which was not the highest rate available, but the advertisement emphasized the safety of the bonds. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹

Of course, you can get a bigger return on your money, provided you accept a reduction in security.

But please bear this in mind: When we talk of the 100% soundness of Prudence-Bonds, we have in mind, not only the return on your money, but the return of your money.

In April 1920, the same advertisement for Prudence Bonds appeared in other newspapers such as the “Brooklyn Daily Eagle” of Brooklyn, New York.²

QI hypothesizes that an anonymous copywriter crafted this wordplay. Citations presented further below indicate that the popular entertainer Eddie Cantor used the same wordplay in 1933 and 1934. Cantor’s formulation placed more emphasis on wistful humor.

Will Rogers died in 1935. He posthumously received credit for a version of this quip by 1938 within a real estate advertisement. Overall, QI believes that the evidence linking Rogers to the quip is very weak.

Benjamin Franklin died in 1790. He implausibly received credit for a version of this quip by 1966 within a financial advertisement.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Write Hard and Clear About What Hurts

Ernest Hemingway? Natalie Goldberg? Conrad Aiken? Joan Crawford? Apocryphal?

**“Lady Writing a Letter with Her Maid” by Johannes Vermeer**

Question for Quote Investigator: I have repeatedly encountered the following advice directed toward aspiring writers:

Write hard and clear about what hurts.

This statement has been attributed to Ernest Hemingway, but I am skeptical because I have never seen a solid citation. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: QI has found no substantive evidence that Ernest Hemingway who died in 1961 crafted this statement.

The earliest strong match known to QI appeared in the 1990 book “Wild Mind: Living the Writer’s Life” by Natalie Goldberg. A chapter discussing “The Rules of Writing Practice” contained the following passage. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹

Go for the jugular. If something scary comes up, go for it. That’s where the energy is. Otherwise, you’ll spend all your time writing around whatever makes you nervous. It will probably be abstract, bland writing because you’re avoiding the truth.

Hemingway said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy. Don’t worry, no one ever died of it. You might cry or laugh, but not die.

QI does not know why Natalie Goldberg attributed the quotation to Hemingway. Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Poem Origin: I Cannot Promise You a Life of Sunshine

Mark Twain? Margo T. Brandt? Kimber Crocker? Anonymous?

**Couple making a heart symbol from Unsplash**

Question for Quote Investigator: A popular poem is employed during wedding celebrations. Here are the first two lines:

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold

This poem has been attributed to the famous U.S. writer Mark Twain, but I have never seen a solid citation. Would you please explore the provenance of this poem?

Reply from Quote Investigator: QI has found no substantive evidence that Mark Twain crafted this poem. It does not appear on the Twain Quotes website edited by Barbara Schmidt;¹ nor does it appear in the large compilation “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips” edited by Caroline Thomas Harnsberger;² nor does it appear in the speech compilation “Mark Twain Speaking” edited by Paul Fatout.³

Twain died in 1910. A version of the poem entered circulation by 1971. Twain implausibly received credit by 2004. The body of the poem and its attribution have changed over time.

The earliest march found by QI appeared in the “Vineland Times Journal” of New Jersey on December 21, 1971. The poem was twelve lines long, and these were the first five lines. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:⁴

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my heart’s devotion.

The poem appeared in the newspaper section for classified advertisements. The message began with “Dear A”, and the final line said “MERRY CHRISTMAS, Love, S.” QI conjectures that “S” was reprinting a message from a greeting card, a book, or another source. The original creator remains anonymous.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: I Don’t Give Advice; I Give Opinions

John Wooden? Bill Walton? Joyce Fittro? Apocryphal?

**Basketball together with a net from Unsplash**

Question for Quote Investigator: A famously successful coach was often asked for advice, but he had no desire to be rigidly didactic; hence, he would say:

I don’t give advice, I give opinions.

This statement has been credited to U.S. basketball coach John Wooden who won ten NCAA national championships as head coach of the UCLA Bruins. I have not been able to find a solid citation. Would you please help me?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Bill Walton was a star basketball player and television sportscaster. When Walton was in college in the 1970s, he played for the UCLA Bruins, and Bill Wooden was his coach. In 1994 Walton published the book “Nothing But Net” which included his memories of Wooden. Walton stated that Wooden employed many catch phrases such as the following four items:¹

“Be quick, but don’t hurry.”
“Never mistake activity for achievement.”
“Flexibility is the key to stability.”
“When everybody thinks alike, nobody thinks.”

Walton credited Wooden with the quotation under examination:

You have to understand that John Wooden wasn’t simply teaching basketball. To him, basketball was a microcosm of life itself, which is why our practices became psychological training sessions and philosophy sessions. If you asked him for advice, he would always say, “I don’t give advice, I give opinions.”

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: All That I Am I Attribute to My Dislike for Reading Books

Erskine Caldwell? Stanley J. Kunitz? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: As a budding author I have often been told that I must hone my craft by reading numerous good books. Hence, I was astounded when I encountered the following statement from an acclaimed bestselling author:

All that I am I attribute to my dislike for reading books.

Apparently, this statement was made by U.S. novelist Erskine Caldwell who wrote “Tobacco Road” in 1932 and “God’s Little Acre” in 1933. Would you please help me to find a citation and to learn more about the context?

Reply from Quote Investigator: In 1933 U.S. poet Stanley J. Kunitz edited and published the reference work “Authors Today and Yesterday” which contained short profiles of 320 twentieth century authors. Kunitz requested autobiographical statements from hundreds of authors including Erskine Caldwell.

The reference was published by the H. W. Wilson Company of New York, which also published the “Wilson Bulletin for Librarians”. Caldwell’s profile appeared in both the bulletin¹ and the reference book.² Caldwell expressed his aversion to books, but he also revealed a love of magazines. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:

I have no literary preferences; and I do not know what “esthetic bias” means. In other words, the only explanation I wish to make is that all that I am I attribute to my dislike for reading books. I’ll read anything and everything in print that I can get my hands on if the medium is a magazine; but I dislike books as I do steel-traps. Now, at the present time, I force myself to read no less than two, occasionally three, novels a year—thinking that perhaps I ought to: whatever that signifies.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.