There Are Two Types of Speakers: Those Who Are Nervous and Those Who Are Liars

Mark Twain? Richard Branson? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: The following comical remark reassures neophyte speakers that their anxious feelings are universal: There are only two types of speakers: (1) the nervous (2) the liars. This quip is usually attributed to the famous humorist Mark Twain, but I cannot find a solid citation, and I have …

Courage Is Resistance To Fear, Mastery of Fear—Not Absence of Fear

Mark Twain? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: Recently, I encountered an insightful quotation about courage attributed to Mark Twain that I had not seen before: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, and not the absence of fear. Is this a genuine Twain quotation? Where did it appear? Quote Investigator: In December 1893 Mark Twain …

A Baby Learns To Speak in Two Years, But It Takes a Lifetime To Learn To Keep Quiet

Ernest Hemingway? Mark Twain? Luke McLuke? Lydia DeVilbiss? Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.? Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.? Frederick B. Wilcox? Abigail Van Buren? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: While searching the twitter database I encountered the following two similar jokes: (1) Humans need two years to learn to speak and sixty years to learn to shut up. …

The Difference Between the Almost Right Word and the Right Word Is Really a Large Matter—’Tis the Difference Between the Lightning Bug and the Lightning

Mark Twain? Josh Billings? Henry Wheeler Shaw? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: Writing well requires the selection of properly expressive words. There is an enormous difference between selecting ‘lightning bug’ versus ‘lightning’. Apparently, Mark Twain said something similar to this, but I was surprised to discover that Twain credited his friend Josh Billings with crafting the …

Time Is What Keeps Everything From Happening At Once

Albert Einstein? Ray Cummings? Mark Twain? Arthur C. Clarke? John Archibald Wheeler? Arthur Power Dudden? Susan Sontag? Dear Quote Investigator: Albert Einstein has received credit for a humorous remark about time: The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. Would you please explore the provenance of this quip? Quote Investigator: …

Fame Is a Vapor; Popularity an Accident; Riches Take Wings

Mark Twain? Horace Greeley? N. D. Hillis? Dear Quote Investigator: Two interesting quotations begin with the same phrases but diverge to emphasize different ideas of impermanence: Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wings, those who cheer today will curse …

My Idea of a Gentleman Is He Who Can Play a Cornet and Won’t

Oscar Wilde? Mark Twain? Frank Fiest? Will Rogers? Walter Armstrong? Herman Lindauer? William M. Lewis? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: What do the following musical instruments have in common: cornet, ukulele, saxophone, bagpipes, accordion, and banjo? Each of these instruments has a distinctive sound that is unpleasant to some listeners providing inspiration for a family of …

If There Is a God, He Is a Malign Thug

Mark Twain? Clara Clemens? Justin Kaplan? Harlan Ellison? Darrell Schweitzer? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: Famous author Mark Twain was grief-stricken when his daughter Susy died at age 24. The following expression of bitter despair has been ascribed to him: If there is a God, he is a malign thug. Oddly, no one has presented a …

Never Argue With a Fool, Onlookers May Not Be Able To Tell the Difference

Mark Twain? Biblical Proverb? Apocryphal? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: Conflict on social media is now endemic, but it is not really new. Acrimonious exchanges between participants during the primeval days of online forums were known as “flame wars”. Famed humorist Mark Twain has received credit for a germane cautionary remark: Never argue with a fool; …

It Ain’t What You Don’t Know That Gets You Into Trouble. It’s What You Know for Sure That Just Ain’t So

Mark Twain? Josh Billings? Artemus Ward? Kin Hubbard? Will Rogers? Edwin Howard Armstrong? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: The Oscar-winning 2015 film “The Big Short” begins with a display of the following statement: It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. The brilliant …

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