Quote Investigator® – Page 106

Quote Origin: Events in the Past May Be Roughly Divided Into Those Which Probably Never Happened and Those Which Do Not Matter

William Ralph Inge? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: I once heard the humorous claim that recorded history may be divided into two parts:

Events that probably never happened.
Events that do not matter.

Would you please explore the provenance of this observation?

Reply from Quote Investigator: William Ralph Inge was Dean of St Paul’s Cathedral in London and a professor of divinity at Cambridge. Dean Inge, as he was commonly known, was a prolific author and newspaper columnist. In 1925 “The Advertiser” of Adelaide, Australia published a piece “On Utopians” that acknowledged Inge and included the following passage. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:¹

The things that we know about the past may be divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not much matter. As Samuel Butler says, historians have the power, which is not claimed by the Deity, of altering the past; and this is perhaps the reason why they are allowed to exist.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Politicians Are Like Diapers. They Should Be Changed Regularly

Mark Twain? Dick Nolan? Ad Schuster? Betty Carpenter? Bumper Sticker? Jake Ford? Bill Quraishi? John Wallner? Robin Williams? Barry Levinson? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: The number of sayings spuriously ascribed to Mark Twain seems to grow every year. Here are two versions of a remark credited to the famous son of Hannibal, Missouri:

Politicians and diapers should be changed often.
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.

The Wikiquote webpage for Twain contends that the statement is misattributed. What do you think?

Reply from Quote Investigator: There is no substantive evidence that Mark Twain who died in 1910 said or wrote this joke. It does not appear on the important Twain Quotes website edited by Barbara Schmidt,¹ nor does it appear in “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips” edited by Caroline Thomas Harnsberger.²

The earliest close match located by QI appeared in a column by Dick Nolan in “The San Francisco Examiner” of California in 1966. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:³

Seasoned politics-watchers can only remind the gloomies that a more or less regular turnover is good for the Republic. In a sound democracy, our rulers ought to be changed routinely, like diapers for the same reason.

QI hypothesizes that this expression evolved from an earlier family of sayings based on the replacement of socks instead of diapers.

Multiple researchers have cooperatively explored this topic, e.g., Barry Popik has found several valuable citations, and this article includes citations located by other researchers.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Eat Whatever You Like and Let Them Fight It Out Inside

Mark Twain? Lyman Beecher Stowe? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: The following eccentric dietary advice has been attributed to the famous humorist Mark Twain:

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

I question whether Twain said this because no one provides a solid citation. Would you please explore this saying?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Mark Twain died in 1910, and the earliest match known to QI occurred in an anecdote told by Lyman Beecher Stowe in 1932 to members of the Mark Twain Library and Memorial Commission. Stowe knew Twain because his grandparents lived next door to the luminary in Hartford, Connecticut. “The Hartford Courant” newspaper reported the following. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI.¹

Of the many typical stories from the rich store of Mark Twain’s life, one of the most delightful told by Mr. Stowe was the following advice from Mark Twain, asked on his seventieth birthday to disclose a set of rules for longevity: “Never smoke more than one cigar at a time. Never, never smoke while sleeping. Eat whatever you want and let ’em fight it out among themselves inside. Sit up as late as you can get anybody to stay with you, and stay in bed as long as anybody will let you.”

There is strong evidence that Twain did employ the jokes about smoking in 1905. However, QI has not yet found any evidence linking Twain to the comical remark about eating during his lifetime. Therefore, the accuracy of the ascription to Twain depends on the reliability of Lyman Beecher Stowe’s memory.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: I Have Made It a Rule Never To Smoke More Than One Cigar at a Time

Mark Twain? Elbert Hubbard? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: Mark Twain followed two thoughtful guidelines regarding smoking:

Never smoke more than one cigar at a time.
Never smoke while sleeping.

Would you please determine when he enunciated these rules?

Reply from Quote Investigator: In 1905 Mark Twain celebrated his seventieth birthday at the popular New York restaurant Delmonico’s. The participants delivered numerous speeches and poems lauding Twain as reported in the “New York Tribune”. The famous humorist addressed the subject of his longevity:¹

I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else. I will offer here, as a sound maxim, this: that we can’t reach old age by another man’s road.

I will now teach, offering my way of life to whomsoever desires to commit suicide by the scheme which has enabled me to beat the doctor and the hangman for seventy years.

Twain outlined his dietary regimen and then discussed smoking. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. I do not know just when I began to smoke, I only know that it was in my father’s lifetime, and that I was discreet. He passed from this life early in 1847, when I was a shade past eleven; ever since then I have smoked publicly. As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.

Twain employed these two jokes and helped to popularize them, but instances occurred before 1905.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Real Artists Ship

Steve Jobs? Andy Hertzfeld? Nicholas Callaway? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: Developing and releasing a complicated product like a personal computer is an arduous task. Prominent business executive Steve Jobs employed the following adage to motivate the group designing the innovative Macintosh computer:

Real Artists Ship

Would you please explore this saying?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Andy Hertzfeld was a leading member of the Apple Macintosh development team which periodically held off-site retreats to mark progress and provide inspiration. The third occurred on January 27th and 28th, 1983 at the La Playa Hotel in Carmel, California. Hertzfeld asserted that Jobs employed the expression while addressing the team. Years later Hertzfeld started a website called folklore.org to share his memories, and the following excerpt is from the article titled “Credit Where Due”. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:¹

Steve was fond of summarizing the themes of the day into a few succinct aphorisms, which he called “Quotations from Chairman Jobs”. The sayings from the previous retreat, held in September 1982, were “It’s Not Done Until It Ships”, “Don’t Compromise!” and “The Journey Is The Reward”. This time, they were “Real Artists Ship”, “It’s Better To Be A Pirate Than Join The Navy”, and “Mac in a Book by 1986”

The phrase “Quotations from Chairman Jobs” was wordplay based on the well-known book title “Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-tung”.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: It Is Not Quite the Same God to Which One Returns

Samuel Johnson? Robert Gordis? Francis Bacon? Morris Raphael Cohen? Mordecai M. Kaplan? Benjamin Jowett?

Question for Quote Investigator: While I was a student a few decades ago I came across a remarkable metaphysical expression that was similar to the following:

The search for knowledge will lead a person away from God, and then back toward God, but it will be a somewhat different God than the original one.

Would you please help me to determine the provenance of this saying?

Reply from Quote Investigator: This is a very difficult problem because this thought can be communicated in many different ways. The earliest solid match located by QI occurred in the journal “Jewish Social Studies” in 1956 within a piece by Robert Gordis, a biblical scholar at the Jewish Theological Seminary. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:¹

Morris Raphael Cohen was wont to comment on Francis Bacon’s well-worn saying that “a little knowledge leads a man away from God, but a great deal brings him back,” by observing that it is not quite the same God to which he returns.

Cohen was a prominent Professor of Philosophy at the City College of New York. QI has not yet found a matching statement directly in Cohen’s writings or speeches.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: If We Treat People as If They Were What They Ought To Be, We Help Them Become What They Are Capable of Becoming

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe? Thomas Carlyle? Mary Shelley? Percy Bysshe Shelley? Thomas S. Monson? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: There is a family of sayings ascribed to the prominent German literary figure Goethe. Here are two instances in the family:

If you treat people as they are, they will become worse. If you treat them as they could be, they will become better.

If we treat people as if they were what they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe published Wilhelm Meisters Lehrjahre (Wilhelm Meister’s Apprenticeship) in 1795 and 1796. The following passage in German presents the ideal of helping others to achieve their potential:¹

Wenn wir sagtest Du, die Menschen nur nehmen, wie sie sind, so machen wir sie schlechter; wenn wir sie behandeln als wären sie, was sie sein sollten, so bringen wir sie dahin, wohin sie zu bringen sind.

The influential Scottish essayist and translator Thomas Carlyle rendered Goethe’s novel into English in 1824. Here is Carlyle’s version of the passage. Emphasis added to excerpts by QI:²

‘When we take people,’ thou wouldst say, ‘merely as they are, we make them worse; when we treat them as if they were what they should be, we improve them as far as they can be improved.’

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Quote Origin: I Have Come to a Frightening Conclusion. I Am the Decisive Element in the Classroom

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe? Haim G. Ginott? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: The major German literary figure Goethe has received credit for a passage that begins:

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

I have not found any solid ascriptions to Goethe in German or English. Oddly, a similar remark has been attributed to the educator and psychologist Haim G. Ginott. Would you please explore this topic?

Reply from Quote Investigator: QI has found no substantive evidence that Johann Wolfgang von Goethe crafted this quotation. He died in 1832 and received credit in a message posted to the Usenet discussion system in 1998.

In 1972 Haim G. Ginott published “Teacher and Child: A Book for Parents and Teachers”, and the preface contained a series of memorably vivid statements that have been widely repeated with occasional garbling. Ginott stated that he composed the remarks when he was a young teacher, and they summed up the book’s philosophy:¹

I have come to a frightening conclusion.
I am the decisive element in the classroom.
It is my personal approach that creates the climate.
It is my daily mood that makes the weather.
As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous.
I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.
I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.
In all situations it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de-humanized.

QI has placed each sentence on a separate line for readability, but in the book they are combined into a single paragraph. This extensive excerpt has been reproduced here for research and educational purposes.

Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.

Dialogue Origin: “When Is a Mouse If It Spins?” “Because the Higher It Gets the Fewer”

Robert Overton? Anonymous?

Question for Quote Investigator: The question and answer of the following exasperating riddle appear to be nonsensical:

Question: Why is a mouse when it spins?
Answer: The higher, the fewer.

Would you please examine the provenance of this conundrum?

Reply from Quote Investigator: Robert Overton published “Ten Minutes: Holiday Yarns and Recitations” as a Christmas book for gift-givers. “The Manchester Guardian” of Manchester, England mentioned the work in October of 1892.¹

Overton’s version of the pseudo-riddle was somewhat different. He included it in the eighteenth tale titled “A Cry from Colney Hatch”. The riddle began with “when” instead of “why”:²

Question: When is a mouse if it spins?
Answer: Because the higher it gets the fewer.

The ill-fated protagonist Harehead encounters a prankster named Smoogleslush who tells him the question and answer of the riddle, but Harehead is unable to comprehend the conundrum. After some misadventures he is driven to madness by his inability to grasp the riddle, and he is placed into an asylum at Colney Hatch. The astute reader surmises that the two statements really form a pseudo-riddle. The pair was deliberately constructed to be unintelligible. The question and answer have no ready interpretations.

Below are additional selected citations and excerpts in chronological order.

Quote Origin: Who Cares Who Killed Roger Ackroyd?

Edmund Wilson? Agatha Christie? Apocryphal?

Question for Quote Investigator: The following acerbic remark has been used to dismiss the entire mystery genre as trivial and uninteresting:

Who cares who killed Roger Ackroyd?

Would you please help me to find a citation for this remark?

Reply from Quote Investigator: This interrogative statement is the title of an article by influential twentieth-century American critic Edmund Wilson which appeared in “The New Yorker” magazine in 1945.¹

In 1926 the famous mystery writer Agatha Christie published the landmark novel “The Murder of Roger Ackroyd”. The remarkable twist ending has been surprising and delighting readers for more than ninety years. Yet, some arbiters of literary taste are supremely indifferent to the questions posed by tales of this type.