Using Money You Haven’t Earned To Buy Things You Don’t Need To Impress People You Don’t Like

Will Smith? Walter Winchell? Robert Quillen? Edgar Allan Moss? Tony Wons? Ken Murray? Emile Gauvreau? Walter Slezak? Will Rogers? Chuck Palahniuk? Tyler Durden? Dear Quote Investigator: Have you ever purchased an item and wondered the next day what motivated your inexplicable action? Here are two versions of an entertaining saying about consumerism: 1) Too many …

They’ve Absolutely Ruined Your Perfectly Dreadful Play

Tallulah Bankhead? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: The funniest one-line review of a movie I have ever encountered is the following: Darling, they’ve absolutely ruined your perfectly dreadful play. According to a show-business legend, the movie star Tallulah Bankhead delivered this mortifying judgement to the famous playwright Tennessee Williams when she saw the film version of …

You Have the Whole Government Working for You. All You Have To Do Is Report the Facts. I Don’t Even Have to Exaggerate

Will Rogers? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: While searching for a quotation on the subject of government in a reference book I came across a quip from the famous cowboy and Native American humorist Will Rogers: I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. But the supporting citation was dated 1962, …

Insanity Is Hereditary. You Can Get It from Your Children

Sam Levenson? Oscar Levant? W. C. Fields? Helen Gorn Sutin? Dave Berg? Ann Landers? Erma Bombeck? Grace Kelly? Dear Quote Investigator: Many parents concur with a very funny quip that reverses the traditional notion of inheritance: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. This joke has been attributed to the newspaper columnist Erma …

I’ll Give You a Definite Maybe

Samuel Goldwyn? Jerry Wald? Jed Harris? Louis Sobol? Walter Winchell? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: Making a weighty decision is difficult because one must be willing to forgo alternative choices and possibilities. The following equivocal statement comical illustrates this psychological tension: I can give you a definite maybe. The words above have been attributed to the …

There But for the Grace of God, Goes God

Winston Churchill? Leo C. Rosten? Walter Winchell? Herman J. Mankiewicz? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: Winston Churchill had an unhappy experience negotiating with a politician who held a very high opinion of himself. Afterward Churchill reportedly concocted the perfect remark for deflating the pretensions of an egomaniac: There, but for the grace of God, goes God. …

“It Took Me Fifteen Years to Discover That I Had No Talent for Writing.” “Did You Quit?”

Robert Benchley? Mark Twain? Walter Winchell? Groucho Marx? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: One of the funniest quotations about writing is usually credited to the brilliant wit Robert Benchley: It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too …

No Legs, No Jokes, No Chance!

Walter Winchell? Michael Todd? Rose Bigman? Helene Hanff? Richard Rodgers? Dear Quote Investigator: The most famous review in Broadway history is also the most controversial, and I hope you can help solve the following mystery. In 1943 a hardworking theater group in New Haven, Connecticut was trying to prepare a major musical so that it …

I Did Not Attend the Funeral, But I Sent a Nice Letter Saying I Approved of It

Mark Twain? James Wayle? Ebenezer Rockwood Hoar? Walter Winchell? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: In the past few days several phony quotations were widely disseminated on the internet; in other words, they went viral. My question is about a saying that might be genuine. A CNN article contains the following expression attributed to Mark Twain: I …

Gift Book: A Book Which You Wouldn’t Take on Any Other Terms

Dorothy Parker? Walter Winchell? Fictional? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: Recently, I gave a close friend a book as a gift, and on the accompanying card I included a quotation that Dorothy Parker once used in a book review: This must be a gift book. That is to say, a book which you wouldn’t take on …

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