Flowers: Don’t Cut Off Their Heads and Stick Them in Pots

George Bernard Shaw? Blanche Patch? Archibald Henderson? Bennett Cerf? Walter Winchell? Apocryphal? Question for Quote Investigator: A visitor to the home of a famous wit expected to find vases filled with beautiful cut flowers, but there were none. The wit explained the absence by making a comically grotesque comparison between cut flowers and decapitated people. …

Dear Sir (Or Madam), You May Be Right

H. L. Mencken? Jack Dempsey? Peg Bracken? Bennett Cerf? Alexander Woollcott? Stewart Holbrook? William Safire? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: Forceful newspaper columnists often receive opinionated and hostile responses. There is a powerful temptation to send a sharp retort. Yet, one famous journalist typically replied with a brief disarming note: Dear Sir (or Madam ), You …

To Be True Music It Must Repeat the Thoughts and Aspirations of the People and the Time. My People Are Americans. My Time Is Today

George Gershwin? Bennett Cerf? Edward Jablonski? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: U.S. pianist and composer George Gershwin is known for works such as “Rhapsody in Blue” and “I Got Rhythm”. He believed that music should embody the thoughts and aspirations of a people and a time. He said his people were Americans and his time was …

I Have the Heart of a Small Boy

Stephen King? Robert Bloch? Bennett Cerf? Gahan Wilson? Dear Quote Investigator: A famous horror writer employed a comically gruesome paraprosdokian when discussing temperament. There are many phrasings for this quip. Here is one: I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk. This joke has been attributed to …

What Are You Doing Here? Why the Devil Aren’t You Home Writing?

Sinclair Lewis? Bennett Cerf? Storm Jameson? Leon Uris? Abraham Cady? Truman Capote? James Michener? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: Classes which attempt to teach writing have proliferated in recent decades. Yet, an undercurrent of skepticism regarding the value of this pedagogical endeavor persists. According to a sardonic anecdote a successful author was once badgered into conducting …

A Gorgeous Bird is the Pelican, Whose Beak Will Hold More Than His Bellican

C. M. Marshton? Dixon Lanier Merritt? Ogden Nash? Jeff McLemore? Bennett Cerf? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: A comical poem about the pelican uses a creative rhyming scheme with the word “pelican” matched to the invented words “belican” (belly can) and “helican” (hell he can). Would you please explore the provenance of this work? Quote Investigator: …

Shaggy Dog Story

P. J. Faulkner? W. Buck Taylor? Bennett Cerf? Eric Partridge? Mary Morris? William Morris? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: A shaggy dog story is a rambling tale consisting of largely inconsequential events that ends with an anticlimax or an unfunny punchline. Would you please explore the origin of the shaggy dog story? Quote Investigator: The earliest …

They Crawl Back Into the Woodwork

Dorothy Parker? Alexander Woollcott? Bennett Cerf? Anonymous? Dear Quote Investigator: The idiom “to crawl out of the woodwork” refers to an unpleasant person or thing that quickly emerges from hiding or obscurity. The companion idiom “to crawl back into the woodwork” refers to the person or thing disappearing. The authoritative Oxford English Dictionary has citations …

I Don’t Trust a Bank That Would Lend Money To Such a Poor Risk

Robert Benchley? Marc Connelly? Corey Ford? Bennett Cerf? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: A financially unstable comedian once asked his long-time bank for a large loan. He was dumbfounded when his request was granted, and he immediately withdrew all his money from the institution while giving the following explanation: How can I trust a bank that …

I Traveled Fifty Miles To See Your Bust Unveiled. . . .

Winston Churchill? Hugh Hampton Young? Bennett Cerf? John Barrymore? Jacob Potofsky? Apocryphal? Dear Quote Investigator: According to a bawdy anecdote, British statesman Winston Churchill once attended a ceremony during which a sculpture of his likeness was unveiled. A beautiful woman approached him, and their provocative exchange included a pun on the word “bust”. Would you …